Blog entry for:

at any point in time, i can change my attitude. but the truth of the matter some days i just plain like being a foul cynical pain in the ass kind of person. my attitude reminds me of the days in active addiction, in fact it reminds of most of the days in active addiction. and one of the little saying i have heard parroted over and over again so many times since i got clean is, "my worst day in recovery is better than my best day when i was using. "
what a load of shit! i had some damn good times when i was using, and i am not just using euphoric recall here. truthfully, most of the time i was miserable, and i shared my misery and pain with anyone who happened to come into my vicinity. i had a chronic bad attitude, and even back in those days was willing to admit that was the case. today, while pondering the reading i consider the changes that recovery has wrought in my life and in my day-to-day outlook. truthfully, most days i have a pretty decent attitude and my outlook may even me described as ‘ rosy ’. there are hours and even days when i find myself in the ‘ fuck everyone and everything ’ kind of attitude. yes even someone like me. who has accumulated a bit of clean time can find himself living with a dark, bitter and downright shitty attitude. so what does this have to do with anything in general and specifically the reading for this morning. well for one, the reading reminds me that my attitude is among one of the choices i can make in my daily life. i have the means to examine what is blocking me from the sunlight of the spirit and truthfully what i discover in my little spot inventories is that i am unsatisfied with how things are turning out. in plain english my expectations are not being met in one or more ways. it is not that the people and events in my life are bad, just that they are not living up to what i expect them to live up to. at this point i generally laugh out loud at how absurd it is for me to expect the world to turn the way i want it to, and move into a less bitter and negative attitude. there are some days when more than unmet expectations is going on inside of me, and on those days, the spot inventory helps me to seek out the help i need to deal with the events and situations that are more than unmet expectations. and either way the spot inventory allows me to adjust my attitude or take corrective action to prevent that attitude from once again being a nearly daily affair again.
and my little tirade at the start of this, well suffice it to say that writing this has allowed me the freedom to say, it is what it is!

∞ DT ∞