Blog entry for:

i am living in a bleak frame of mind, is not one of the happiest places on Earth, for me, nor for anyone that happens to randomly cross my path. a year ago, i could see nothing but doom and gloom and was less than happy with any part of my life. the long hours i put in, on the phone, overnight and in front of my keyboard, wore on me constantly. the lack of appreciation and constantly having to work on not being thrown under the bus by upper management, made things even worse. to top it all off, i was starting to see that i was living a lie and that those who were supposed to protect me, did a quite human job and allowed me to spin into a fantasy that required hiding in plain sight. ah, woe is me, was my refrain. COVID and politics was just the icing on the poison cake that i was ingesting. a year later, i look back and wonder how i got through that without killing anyone, getting fired or losing my home and hearth.
this morning, as i sat, i thought about the consequences of the decisions i have made over the past few days and how those decisions affected others. one of the ruling paradigms in my family seems to be,m that we never, ever really talk about what is going on inside of us. we do not ask the hard questions and we are left to assume that whatever may be happening, is certainly something to keep on the down-low. after considering a decision over the past few days, i ended-up declining an invitation and had left others to assume that an already scheduled event was interfering with their invite. the fact of the matter is, it really is not, i just do not want to expend my precious resources doing something that will less than pleasurable for me. i am sort of grateful for my family's unwritten code of conduct, because i will not have to answer the hard question of “why.”
living a life out from under the fantasy the lie i lived created, has opened me to all sorts of novel ideas, the first being that it is okay for me to take care of myself and say no, when that is the correct answer. my new job as challenging as it may be, is so different, i am still having difficulty getting used to working in an environment geared towards my success. i am also coming to terms that i have more value than i ever thought and that when i am properly encouraged, i can come out from under the rock of obfuscation and manipulation and live a life, worthy of the person i am becoming. my final questions today is whether or not cynicism is a character defect, a bad attitude, or just who i am and nothing with which to twist my panties in a bun about. not a bad thought to consider as i march through this early morning.

∞ DT ∞