Some memes

to be weighed down anymore, so i have become willing to explore the burdens of my past. when i walked through the doors of recovery, long before i ever wanted to commit to living a life of abstinence, i was not willing to do anything for real. i quickly learned how to front recovery and i believed that would be more than enough. i wholly believed that mere abstinence was going to get me through the months that i had left to kill my number. that was not to be, and although i never used, i did not think i needed to change anything in my life. the only reason i did not go hang with those with whom i used, was that i thought the cops were watching every step i took and i did not want to drag those folks down the same hole in which i found myself. just a tiny bit of hubris there. 🤣
as i sat and listened to the what came up from the void, i could feel that this set of steps is actually relieving me of the weight of having to live a life of hiding in plain sight. i may not yet be perfectly comfortable in my own skin, but i am certainly starting to get there. i am beginning to see that there is a path towards being who i am, standing up for myself and allowing myself to be willing to live a program of active recovery on a deeper level. i may be struggling with figuring out my identity and what i want from this life, but that does not mean i lack the willingness to find out.
after an excellent drive down to the office this morning and a cigar that was not chewed to death, i finally have a clue on how to handle the task at hand. i was not far off from what i thought i needed to do, but i still have a way to go in getting it done. as i am on my own this afternoon, perhaps the writing that i have been avoiding by telling myself i need more time to “ponder” the meaning of insanity in my life and what that restoration might look like, is starting to ring hollow. it might just be time to take that next step and do what i know is the next correct action, just for today.

∞ DT ∞