Some memes

into my recovery in whatever ways i can, keeps me clean and with the desire to stay in recovery, even when there are times i feel that “i got this!” there are time when recovery just seems to be a chore and that the work i do, on a daily basis, is not paying off. although relapse is not part of my story, it did take me six months or so of fronting recovery, to get clean. i remember those days when i knew i was done with monitored sobriety for the month and had a license to use, which i took full advantage of, whenever those opportunities popped up. i remember how good i felt for the next week and continued to look forward until the next one arrived. i though i had it all figured out and in fact took a UA the day before i had to, because i believed i was good to go. that hubris betrayed me and forced me into abstinence, as my use was detected and the consequences i paid were more severe than i desired. that chain of events were the impetus for me to get clean and eventually actually get into recovery. at the time, i asked myself what the fuck, why not wait another twenty-four hours and allow the process of getting rid of the evidence to circle round the toilet and be flushed into oblivion. remembering the fact that i believed “i got this,” has kept me clean, even when i did not want to be.
this morning, as i sat in my home group and considered what humility for me, looks like, i could see it was not about smashing my ego, but rather, about seeing myself as i truly am, not as how i want to be, or how i was. that chain of thought, derailed the notion that this whole recovery gig was not paying off, when in fact, it is. i get to go to meetings, have friends and peers, have a relationship based on equality and a career that allows me the freedom to be creative. i get to stay, as many of my peers say, in the center of the recovery boat and right here and right now, that fact, in and of itself, gives me that breath of life that my recovery may require, just for today.

∞ DT ∞