๐คท without a doubt, ๐คซ
Posted: Mon, Aug 18, 2025 10:24:49 AM
it feels great to be comfortable in my own skin, connected to the POWER that fuels my recovery and to others in recovery. there certainly is no magic in attaining that state, but for me, there certainly is a not so secret sauce, a program of DAILY ACTIVE RECOVERY.
when i was merely abstinent and the desire to use was upon me all the time, i never realized that there was a simple solution to my problem. i was of the belief that if i did not use, my life would gt instantly better. it did get better, on the outside anyhow, and that was good enough for me, as that seemed to be the best it would ever get. looking good was more important than feeling good and i was of the mindset that all i had to do was to kill my number and i could return to using, maybe not as often or as much and be quite happy again. grinding out the days until i could use with impunity, once again, was tiresome and my self-imposed constraints seemed to strangle me, a little bit more, every single day. even after accepting that i was an addict and needed a program of recovery, i still was not sure this recovery gig would pay off and i felt that at least i might have the support i needed to make it to freedom from the justice system.
once i started to believe that there was a way forward and the overwhelming desire to get high, started to fade, i could see that if i wanted to succeed at this program, even if it was only going to be for another eighteen months, i needed to take some suggestions and figure out how to habituate myself to doing this recovery gig on a daily basis. as i count down to yet another clean date anniversary, i can say that i understand what i need to do and what i cannot give up on. i owe myself the opportunity to stay clean today and live another day in recovery. as much as i think it would be nice to slide a day or three and see what happens, i remember on the snows of Kilimanjaro, when i did just that. i was ready to cave to the notion i could not continue that trek and i was as worthless as i once believed i was. there were consequences to pushing my body to complete that bucket list item, but absolutely no regrets. the lesson i learned was that the “asshole” in my brain, that wants me to sabotage my life, is ever present and ready to strike, whenever i decide that i can take a break from what i do on a daily basis.
today i am worth the effort i make on a daily basis. i am worth feeling comfortable in my own skin. i am worth another day clean and i am worth another day on this side of the lawn, regardless of what that asshole wants me to believe. i earned my seat in the rooms and continue to earn it, just for today.
when i was merely abstinent and the desire to use was upon me all the time, i never realized that there was a simple solution to my problem. i was of the belief that if i did not use, my life would gt instantly better. it did get better, on the outside anyhow, and that was good enough for me, as that seemed to be the best it would ever get. looking good was more important than feeling good and i was of the mindset that all i had to do was to kill my number and i could return to using, maybe not as often or as much and be quite happy again. grinding out the days until i could use with impunity, once again, was tiresome and my self-imposed constraints seemed to strangle me, a little bit more, every single day. even after accepting that i was an addict and needed a program of recovery, i still was not sure this recovery gig would pay off and i felt that at least i might have the support i needed to make it to freedom from the justice system.
once i started to believe that there was a way forward and the overwhelming desire to get high, started to fade, i could see that if i wanted to succeed at this program, even if it was only going to be for another eighteen months, i needed to take some suggestions and figure out how to habituate myself to doing this recovery gig on a daily basis. as i count down to yet another clean date anniversary, i can say that i understand what i need to do and what i cannot give up on. i owe myself the opportunity to stay clean today and live another day in recovery. as much as i think it would be nice to slide a day or three and see what happens, i remember on the snows of Kilimanjaro, when i did just that. i was ready to cave to the notion i could not continue that trek and i was as worthless as i once believed i was. there were consequences to pushing my body to complete that bucket list item, but absolutely no regrets. the lesson i learned was that the “asshole” in my brain, that wants me to sabotage my life, is ever present and ready to strike, whenever i decide that i can take a break from what i do on a daily basis.
today i am worth the effort i make on a daily basis. i am worth feeling comfortable in my own skin. i am worth another day clean and i am worth another day on this side of the lawn, regardless of what that asshole wants me to believe. i earned my seat in the rooms and continue to earn it, just for today.
∞ DT ∞