Some memes

cursing the dark, i seek the willingness to change the light-bulb. sometimes it really is that simple. when i came to recovery, i was not willing to change anything, as i thought my life was perfect the way it was. my blamethrower still worked and i could rationalize and justify the most outrageous nonsense, so i never had to look at myself. someone else, something else, or just being in the wrong place at the sarong time, was a the root of all the evils that rained down upon me. cursing the dark was my main mode of survival and i had no problem living in that place and spreading my misery far and wide. that sort of life is no longer acceptable to me and i choose to change the light bulb as often as it requires changing.
thinking back over the past twenty-four hours or so, i have had to engender more than a little bit of change. i spoke to my txt buddy and asked him to change up what he sent to me. i did not ask him to cease and desist, nor did i say i found it stuff anything but interesting. i asked him, if his intent was to create a deeper, more abiding relationship with me, and if so, he might consider txting me what he is thinking and feeling in that minute, instead of reporting on what he shared at the meeting. he is still “young” in recovery and i do not know if i backed him into a corner with my request. what i do know, is that at three years or so clean, i did NOT attempt to start any sort of friendship with those peers who had decades clean. at that point in my recovery, i was intimidated by clean time. i still believed that there was a hierarchy in the fellowship and it was based on clean time and clean time alone. i know better today, that i why i am encouraging my friend to open up. i have also been told that i am perceived as intimidating by some of the newer members, because i happen to come off a bit intense, from time to time. i have taken that criticism under advisement and decided that tamping down my passion for recovery, the fellowship and the literature, is not going to be in the cards. being who i am, rather than who others want me to be, is no longer part of my plan of the day. i seek balance between the real world and my take on the spiritual world and the only means i have to do so, is the program of recovery that has given me this new manner of living.
just for today, i will not stumble around in the dark when the light of the program is here to lead my way. it is a great day to be clean and to have another day on this side of the lawn.

∞ DT ∞