๐ in forming ๐
Posted: Fri, Apr 10, 2026 11:38:16 AM
real friendships, i open the gateway to grace, which allows me to view my life from multiple angles. i knew way back when, that all my so-called friendships were temporary. part of that was protection as we moved every year or so when i was a kid, so making friendships and then moving away hurt. the other part was the delusion i lived under that i was too broken to be seen. staying in temporary relationship allowed me to leave the relationship if they got too close or i needed to run from the damage i was causing. the latter was more often the case than the former. it was so much easier keeping everyone at arm's length then to take any chance with feeling the pain. i really had no denial about this, as i was consciously aware of what i was doing and why.
in early recovery, my less than stellar ability to trust anyone kept that same behavior. i may be a Tuesday's child but i certainly did nit have a lot of social grace. i was quite content in my phase of mere abstinence to keep any relationships as temporary as i was more than sure that i was going to be gone in less than a few years. when i finally decided to become a member, it was my desire to be a paragon of virtue that kept me from moving into grace and form real relationships. my theory was that if anyone got too close, they would see me for the phony i believed i was. yes, it is true i was acting that part, but ironically, acting that part, actually changed the way i was thinking.
as i stayed clean, worked steps and the wall of denial broke down that kept me from seeing the lie that became my delusion broke down, i allowed others into my life, bit by bit, sort of how stalactites and stalagmites form and at about the same pace. these days, i have deep and abiding relationships with my spouse, my family members, at least some of them, my peers and even with my acquaintances. as i become more comfortable with who i am, i am certainly more comfortable in seeing who others are as well. just for today, i not only will open the gateway to grace, i will be willing to take the action to walk through it. i am, after all, no longer abjectly afraid of being who i am and leaving behind who i once was.
in early recovery, my less than stellar ability to trust anyone kept that same behavior. i may be a Tuesday's child but i certainly did nit have a lot of social grace. i was quite content in my phase of mere abstinence to keep any relationships as temporary as i was more than sure that i was going to be gone in less than a few years. when i finally decided to become a member, it was my desire to be a paragon of virtue that kept me from moving into grace and form real relationships. my theory was that if anyone got too close, they would see me for the phony i believed i was. yes, it is true i was acting that part, but ironically, acting that part, actually changed the way i was thinking.
as i stayed clean, worked steps and the wall of denial broke down that kept me from seeing the lie that became my delusion broke down, i allowed others into my life, bit by bit, sort of how stalactites and stalagmites form and at about the same pace. these days, i have deep and abiding relationships with my spouse, my family members, at least some of them, my peers and even with my acquaintances. as i become more comfortable with who i am, i am certainly more comfortable in seeing who others are as well. just for today, i not only will open the gateway to grace, i will be willing to take the action to walk through it. i am, after all, no longer abjectly afraid of being who i am and leaving behind who i once was.
∞ DT ∞