Some memes

i realized how much energy i spent protecting my fragile ego, imagining what others thought about me and living in the self-centered world me and mine. my source material went on a deep dive about selflessness and self-centeredness and they are mutually exclusive. it also want on to say that IF i do not care for myself, first and foremost, and have a sense of who that self is, my service efforts will more than likely be far from selfless. it has been my experience that is exactly the sort of service i once wrapped my identity within, service for status, recognition and respect. once it was suggested that i attempt to step out of the service spotlight and serve quietly and without recognition, i found a path to start seeing who that “self” is. as i grew my self-esteem, i started to understand why my sponsor suggested that i step away from committee service and become just another member, serving in the trenches. i had, as i stated above, created an identity that required service that was non-stop and full-throttle, so i could ignore the fact that spiritually i was not progressing and emotionally i was still stuck of curating an image that i believed others wanted to see. i had placed all my self-worth into how much service i did and how visible it was to those around me. this morning it dawned on me that perhaps my journey to find a spiritual path that works for, was stymied by this same force in my life, serving everyone all the time. it is not as if i served poorly, the fellowship did not suffer due to my serving it, i, however suffered, without even knowing it. better put, i denied that i needed to work on myself or even take care of myself because so many addicts were out there dying. this morning as i look to who i am and how i serve the fellowship around me, i can easily see that i am better off doing what i do. the fellowship survived my exit to stage left and is doing quite well itself. more importantly , i have had the opportunity to grow into the sort of person who can survive melanoma, retirement and part-time employment. i can sponsor men without taking on their garbage and make suggestions when i am asked for them. i can be comfortable in my own skin and when my sponsor suggests that i return to committee level service i can simply say, today, i respectfully decline. tomorrow? who knows, perhaps i am “well” enough to return, but i do not have to consider that notion today.

∞ DT ∞