๐จ i can do ๐ญ
Posted: Mon, May 18, 2026 12:01:06 PM
a lot to cultivate my sensitivity to the voice of my higher self, okay multi-tasking this rainy morning and not paying attention to the very thing i am writing about. i do not know if i always considered my conscience as my “higher self.” i know that i used substances to keep my conscience at bay until i had drugged it nearly out of existence and i could live in my selfish, self-centered world without any issues. getting clean did not all of a sudden change me, but i found a conscience in my stomach as i shared back in those days. for me, when i was was about to do something that was outside of my developing moral compass, i would feel it in the pit of my stomach, much like the feeling i got when anticipating that first hit. not cured by any means and still not a whole lot of higher self to counter the “lower self,” i developed in my journey through active addiction.
this morning as i listened to the quiet, i felt certain that i had a conscience and that i certainly had a higher self, even though i never called it that. i am not one of those who believe in dual personas within me, especially after a bit of clean time and some step work, but the higher and lower selves have made themselves manifest in my recovery journey and as they melded into just me, i can feel the attributes of both of them, working me over, from time to time. as much as i used to love to use the excuse “the devil made me do it, ” it just does not fit into who i am anymore. i do very few things without making a conscious choice. there is this part of me, that almost wishes he could forget about being responsible for his life and his program of recovery and just act out. yes, that is still a part of me, even though i will deny it with extreme prejudice.
right here and right now, i have idled the morning away, even though i accomplished more than a few things. i do need to get lunch and ready to go to work, so this exercise is getting cut a bit short. when i think of my conscience, i am glad it is no longer “in my belly.” i am glad that i have developed the ways and means to not only detect the next wrong thing to do, but also the next right one. the next right thing to do, right here and right now, is to get moving into the real world and prepare myself for a rainy afternoon at work.
this morning as i listened to the quiet, i felt certain that i had a conscience and that i certainly had a higher self, even though i never called it that. i am not one of those who believe in dual personas within me, especially after a bit of clean time and some step work, but the higher and lower selves have made themselves manifest in my recovery journey and as they melded into just me, i can feel the attributes of both of them, working me over, from time to time. as much as i used to love to use the excuse “the devil made me do it, ” it just does not fit into who i am anymore. i do very few things without making a conscious choice. there is this part of me, that almost wishes he could forget about being responsible for his life and his program of recovery and just act out. yes, that is still a part of me, even though i will deny it with extreme prejudice.
right here and right now, i have idled the morning away, even though i accomplished more than a few things. i do need to get lunch and ready to go to work, so this exercise is getting cut a bit short. when i think of my conscience, i am glad it is no longer “in my belly.” i am glad that i have developed the ways and means to not only detect the next wrong thing to do, but also the next right one. the next right thing to do, right here and right now, is to get moving into the real world and prepare myself for a rainy afternoon at work.
∞ DT ∞