Some memes

that a simple, loving hug can make all the difference in the world, no matter if i am the receiver or the giver. i have to say, that when i arrived at the door to the rooms, hugging people was not my thing. the first time i was hugged by anyone else, it was one of those sideways half in sort. that was literally how close i was going to let anyone get to me, just close enough to touch, not close enough to embrace. that physical distance became less and less, especially after eighteen months of mere abstinence and my surrender to recovery. i had started the journey to understanding that physical contact was only a manifestation of being cared for and yes loved.
these days i hug without restraint. i am careful to see the boundaries that some of my peers want to enforce and do not cross them. i am also careful to see where those i am the closest to do not need advice or my sage wisdom, all they need is a hug and someone to listen. learning that has been one of the greatest gifts of my recovery. i am have learned to pay attention and to trust my intuition. do not misread that, i still have the desire to offer “feedback” and “direction.” what has changed is that i have learned that restraint of my desire creates more respect than not reading the room, as it were.
today, i am okay. i am hungry as i have had nothing but liquid since i rolled out of bed in preparation for my colonoscopy tomorrow. i laughed when i told my spouse i was not the victim here, that i actually volunteered. that is true, i follow medical advice and do not run to Dr GOOGLE or AI for my medical advice. the doctors are from infallible and trusting them may not always be the best thing to do, if i trust blindly without asking questions. the whys and wherefores are important to me and i advocate for my own health. i may not be overly fond of what is necessary, but i accept it as part of being sixty-nine years old and a human being. i saw what happened to my parents when they did not take their own physical health into their own hands and ignored what was going on in their aging bodies. their choices were the impetus for mine. i know that nothing staves off illness or decrepitude, but i refuse to go gently into old age without doing all that is in my power to control. it may not be a whole lot, but recovery has taught me that if i pay attention, it just may be enough. as i finish my cigar and move into the net phase of my prep i know what will happen and it will not be pleasant. the upside, if all go wells tomorrow it will be another five years before i have to submit to this indignity again. that is enough, just for today.

∞ DT ∞