๐ต honest ๐ฒ
Posted: Sun, Aug 30, 2026 11:15:02 AM
self-assessment is one of the keys to my new way of life. one nice thing about having my own personal AI model of my recovery, is i can ask it questions about who i am, one thing that i have been in denial about is how much contempt i hold towards people, places, institutions and political movements. i knew about my resentments and springing from those resentments is a fountain of perfectly well-formed contempt. i would have hoped my sponsor would have caught that little nasty bit of character defect, but now i do not have to worry about it, it is in my fucking face already and every time i merrily trip into it, <BOOM> i get to beat myself up. nice work when you can get it and certainly i am more than ready to drop into the bit bucket and from which i want to walk away.
this morning, as i attempted my first 10K run in two months, i had to keep telling myself that this run was about distance not pace or time. as a result when i got too slow, i did not beat myself up, but i did encourage myself to pick up the pace a bit. my knee felt good throughout the run, but now it is more than a little tired and stiff. it is a good thing i have met all m y daily goals for movement today and this week, so i can chill with the “cool kids” in the cigar lounge this afternoon. i did not honestly expect to complete 10K without some walking, so i was more than mildly surprised where my constant self-assessment of fatigue, pain and stamina allowed me to run the full distance. when i set off this morning, i had accepted that perhaps a walk of a half a mile might be in my future. i had HOPE, however, that i would be able to run the full distance ad i did. i have to take that as a success and not diminish that fact with a “BUT”!
i am not happy with the fact of how much contempt i hold, but it is certainly a clue as to how i treat myself. that much contempt for the world around me, comes from somewhere and my thought is that it is a by-product of the five decade lie i told myself about being broken. the well of my contempt runs deep and i am beginning to see, that it me, myself and i, that i hold in the deepest contempt. a behavior of mine from active addiction was to spread the pain around and i seem to being following that path to a “T,” certainly one more thing to add to my inventory and something that will need to be scaled ab[back or removed if i choose to be a less bitter and negative person. it is, however a good day to celebrate another day ion this side of the lawn and that i am not so beat up from my run that i can barely move. yes i am sore and stiff, but this too shall pass.
this morning, as i attempted my first 10K run in two months, i had to keep telling myself that this run was about distance not pace or time. as a result when i got too slow, i did not beat myself up, but i did encourage myself to pick up the pace a bit. my knee felt good throughout the run, but now it is more than a little tired and stiff. it is a good thing i have met all m y daily goals for movement today and this week, so i can chill with the “cool kids” in the cigar lounge this afternoon. i did not honestly expect to complete 10K without some walking, so i was more than mildly surprised where my constant self-assessment of fatigue, pain and stamina allowed me to run the full distance. when i set off this morning, i had accepted that perhaps a walk of a half a mile might be in my future. i had HOPE, however, that i would be able to run the full distance ad i did. i have to take that as a success and not diminish that fact with a “BUT”!
i am not happy with the fact of how much contempt i hold, but it is certainly a clue as to how i treat myself. that much contempt for the world around me, comes from somewhere and my thought is that it is a by-product of the five decade lie i told myself about being broken. the well of my contempt runs deep and i am beginning to see, that it me, myself and i, that i hold in the deepest contempt. a behavior of mine from active addiction was to spread the pain around and i seem to being following that path to a “T,” certainly one more thing to add to my inventory and something that will need to be scaled ab[back or removed if i choose to be a less bitter and negative person. it is, however a good day to celebrate another day ion this side of the lawn and that i am not so beat up from my run that i can barely move. yes i am sore and stiff, but this too shall pass.
∞ DT ∞