โ i was trapped in a spiral of obsession and compulsion that went only in one direction: downward. โ
Posted: Thu, Jan 4, 2007 09:39:07 AM
in recovery, my journey down that spiral path has been cut short.
and that abrupt change in direction occurred because the members of the fellowship who were here when i came to recovery, welcomed me and showered me with love. not that i was receptive to that gift, in fact i was more than a little put-off by all the attention i was given, and the last thing i wanted, or at least thought i wanted, was love and attention. what i wanted was the ability to use like a normal person, and what i got was a new manner of living without using substances of any sort.
i did not realize i was in a downward spiral, i did not realize i was being controlled by the very things that made life tolerable back in the day. and the most shocking realization for me was that i had a disease that could be arrested. so here is sit up the path from those dark, dank days of late addiction, with the ability to see the path in both directions. looking back, there really is nothing i want from the beginning of this journey, except perhaps a bit of desperation to motivate me to continue along the path. looking forward i see the path narrowing and getting steeper. so my choice is either following the example of those who have come before me and continuing the journey, or start the downward spiral back into active addiction.
my experience based on what i have seen from the members who precede me is that the former choice is the most desirable regardless of how hard it may appear from this vantage point. they have what i want and probably what i NEED to become more than i ever have been. so for today, i think i will do what i need to do to keep moving forward. i know i will get the support and love i need to muddle though any crisis that happens to come my way.
and that abrupt change in direction occurred because the members of the fellowship who were here when i came to recovery, welcomed me and showered me with love. not that i was receptive to that gift, in fact i was more than a little put-off by all the attention i was given, and the last thing i wanted, or at least thought i wanted, was love and attention. what i wanted was the ability to use like a normal person, and what i got was a new manner of living without using substances of any sort.
i did not realize i was in a downward spiral, i did not realize i was being controlled by the very things that made life tolerable back in the day. and the most shocking realization for me was that i had a disease that could be arrested. so here is sit up the path from those dark, dank days of late addiction, with the ability to see the path in both directions. looking back, there really is nothing i want from the beginning of this journey, except perhaps a bit of desperation to motivate me to continue along the path. looking forward i see the path narrowing and getting steeper. so my choice is either following the example of those who have come before me and continuing the journey, or start the downward spiral back into active addiction.
my experience based on what i have seen from the members who precede me is that the former choice is the most desirable regardless of how hard it may appear from this vantage point. they have what i want and probably what i NEED to become more than i ever have been. so for today, i think i will do what i need to do to keep moving forward. i know i will get the support and love i need to muddle though any crisis that happens to come my way.
∞ DT ∞