๐ my journey down ๐
Posted: Wed, Jan 4, 2017 07:26:43 AM
that spiral path of obsession and compulsion has been cut short by the loving support i finally found in the fellowship of recovering addicts.
yes that is a bit of a paraphrase and it says exactly what i heard this morning, when i could finally settle in and not worry about driving to and from work in whatever weather happens to manifest over the course of the next ten hours. i say finally because i have stated before it took me quite a few days before i realized that staying clean was not going to be possible in the manner i was doing it, and that i could not succeed at this recovery gig by myself. in fact, if one has been paying attention, one would find that i did everything i could to exclude myself from the loving support of any fellowship, as i was not going to be brainwashed by any sort of cult.
fast forward a few years, and here i sit, smack dab in the middle of a small but bustling, boisterous and growing local fellowship, doing my best to be supported and offering my support. it has become my contention that because i was not accepting of who and what i was, that when i finally came to and became mindful and present in my current situation, i regretted what i missed and attached myself more strongly to the very people who continue to save my life today. when i tell one of my newest peers that i envy how fast they became part of the fellowship and started to grow a bit of acceptance, it is not false humility, it is an expression of the regret of my far from picture perfect journey to becoming who i am, today.
last night, at the meeting, i shared what i hate to share about, me having any sort of procedure. as i sat there listening to those in attendance sharing about their ”greatest needs” i realized that i had neglected to mention to my sponse that i was having oral surgery Monday afternoon and would probably walk out of that office with a prescription for very strong painkillers. i have been down this route before and i am not overly worried about it. i am however more than a bit concerned by it, as i once had a sponsee who started his last battle with active addiction through a series of similar procedures. “oh i am not in his boat,” i tell myself, “and i can certainly handle this on my own” so the deception and wall of denial once again begins.
oh i could certainly do as some of my peers have done, switch fellowships and fall into the substance specific trap. or as i did last night, open my mouth and allow those who know and support me, to offer their support and hold me accountable, for my actions. the cat is out of the bag and there is no way i am going to be able to put this one back in. over the course of the next few months, everyone will be watching me. i would hope it will be to offer support to help me to succeed, rather than secretly hoping i will be humbled and have to take another white key-tag. as one can see, even when i am being spiritual, the cynic drops in and has its say. be that as it may, today i feel supported and loved by the fellowship and am capable of returning that loving support. today i can write about rainbows and unicorns, all the while wondering if i can survive the periodontist. and yes today oi can say it is a good day to be clean and i am worth having the task i started in November, completed, regardless of the pain of getting it done. it is a good day to be clean and in a fellowship that at least purports to loves and support me without conditions.
yes that is a bit of a paraphrase and it says exactly what i heard this morning, when i could finally settle in and not worry about driving to and from work in whatever weather happens to manifest over the course of the next ten hours. i say finally because i have stated before it took me quite a few days before i realized that staying clean was not going to be possible in the manner i was doing it, and that i could not succeed at this recovery gig by myself. in fact, if one has been paying attention, one would find that i did everything i could to exclude myself from the loving support of any fellowship, as i was not going to be brainwashed by any sort of cult.
fast forward a few years, and here i sit, smack dab in the middle of a small but bustling, boisterous and growing local fellowship, doing my best to be supported and offering my support. it has become my contention that because i was not accepting of who and what i was, that when i finally came to and became mindful and present in my current situation, i regretted what i missed and attached myself more strongly to the very people who continue to save my life today. when i tell one of my newest peers that i envy how fast they became part of the fellowship and started to grow a bit of acceptance, it is not false humility, it is an expression of the regret of my far from picture perfect journey to becoming who i am, today.
last night, at the meeting, i shared what i hate to share about, me having any sort of procedure. as i sat there listening to those in attendance sharing about their ”greatest needs” i realized that i had neglected to mention to my sponse that i was having oral surgery Monday afternoon and would probably walk out of that office with a prescription for very strong painkillers. i have been down this route before and i am not overly worried about it. i am however more than a bit concerned by it, as i once had a sponsee who started his last battle with active addiction through a series of similar procedures. “oh i am not in his boat,” i tell myself, “and i can certainly handle this on my own” so the deception and wall of denial once again begins.
oh i could certainly do as some of my peers have done, switch fellowships and fall into the substance specific trap. or as i did last night, open my mouth and allow those who know and support me, to offer their support and hold me accountable, for my actions. the cat is out of the bag and there is no way i am going to be able to put this one back in. over the course of the next few months, everyone will be watching me. i would hope it will be to offer support to help me to succeed, rather than secretly hoping i will be humbled and have to take another white key-tag. as one can see, even when i am being spiritual, the cynic drops in and has its say. be that as it may, today i feel supported and loved by the fellowship and am capable of returning that loving support. today i can write about rainbows and unicorns, all the while wondering if i can survive the periodontist. and yes today oi can say it is a good day to be clean and i am worth having the task i started in November, completed, regardless of the pain of getting it done. it is a good day to be clean and in a fellowship that at least purports to loves and support me without conditions.
∞ DT ∞