โข today, secure in the love of the fellowship, i can finally โฆ
Posted: Tue, Jan 4, 2011 08:55:53 AM
look another human being in the eye and be grateful for who i am. as i am sitting here this morning, getting my ducks in a row, as it were, i am struck nearly dumb about what this reading really means to me.
this is not the first time i have come across this reading, and i am sure that if i reviewed my previous blogs, there would be stuff about who i was, and the man i am becoming, thanks to the love and support of the fellowship. i know that i am not the person that i walked into the rooms. i know i was not some sort of monster who befouled every patch of real estate i happened across during my active addiction. i also know that i am not some sort of secular saint waiting to be beatified and assumed into the next phase of my journey. since i have covered that material, probably more than adequately in the past, i will move forward with those assumptions taken as given.
what i did hear this morning was that the journey i am on, from active addiction to daily active recovery, manifests changes in me that are unpredictable to say the least. i do not like unpredictability, even today, i want to have lots of stuff as known before i step out of the comfort of my house or even into the virtual world of the internet. i desire a path to be revealed and get more than a bit anxious, when that knowledge is not forthcoming. so where does the love of the fellowship come in? the fellowship, as a collective, has always loved me for who i am, in any given slice of time. i understand that individually, members may have problems with me, and that is okay, because sometimes that happens, it is just part of life on life's terms. it is the security of the collective that allows me the HOPE, to continue moving along this path of recovery. it is that security that combats the anxiety and dread that arises within me, and provides a source of strength to move forward into this uncertain world. after all, no matter what happens i always have a place within the fellowship that provides me the ability to stay clean one day at a time. as i write this, i am struck by how addicts in general are looked upon by society. while watching TV last night, i saw portrayed as deceiving, manipulative and morally weak individuals. two of the three examples of addicts on that show were shown to act out violently for whatever reasons. the one in active addiction to provide the ways and means to get more. the one in recovery, illustrating the final days before being forced into this life. i know TV and especially dramas NEED to have action and characters that are exaggerated from reality, but as i sit here this morning i can see what a miracle it is, that i have a fellowship that can and does provide me a place to come to, where such facile judgments are not drawn.
what that brings home to me, is that when i go to the judge, jury and executioner mode, about the addicts who are part of the parade, as i was not so long ago, i am becoming just like those hollyweird screenwriters that exaggerate for dramatic effect. i am separating myself from the herd. i am preparing to be culled by addiction. i have removed myself from the loving part of the fellowship and if nothing changes, it can be the first step in a journey that leads back to the misery of active addiction.
this morning, i have the desire to be a constructive part of the real world and of the fellowship that shelters me from the storms of addiction. this morning, i have the desire to be self-supporting and to take thr responsibility inherent in my ongoing recovery. most of all, i have the desire to stand tall and look anyone in the eyes, secure in the knowledge i am the best person i can be, just for today.
this is not the first time i have come across this reading, and i am sure that if i reviewed my previous blogs, there would be stuff about who i was, and the man i am becoming, thanks to the love and support of the fellowship. i know that i am not the person that i walked into the rooms. i know i was not some sort of monster who befouled every patch of real estate i happened across during my active addiction. i also know that i am not some sort of secular saint waiting to be beatified and assumed into the next phase of my journey. since i have covered that material, probably more than adequately in the past, i will move forward with those assumptions taken as given.
what i did hear this morning was that the journey i am on, from active addiction to daily active recovery, manifests changes in me that are unpredictable to say the least. i do not like unpredictability, even today, i want to have lots of stuff as known before i step out of the comfort of my house or even into the virtual world of the internet. i desire a path to be revealed and get more than a bit anxious, when that knowledge is not forthcoming. so where does the love of the fellowship come in? the fellowship, as a collective, has always loved me for who i am, in any given slice of time. i understand that individually, members may have problems with me, and that is okay, because sometimes that happens, it is just part of life on life's terms. it is the security of the collective that allows me the HOPE, to continue moving along this path of recovery. it is that security that combats the anxiety and dread that arises within me, and provides a source of strength to move forward into this uncertain world. after all, no matter what happens i always have a place within the fellowship that provides me the ability to stay clean one day at a time. as i write this, i am struck by how addicts in general are looked upon by society. while watching TV last night, i saw portrayed as deceiving, manipulative and morally weak individuals. two of the three examples of addicts on that show were shown to act out violently for whatever reasons. the one in active addiction to provide the ways and means to get more. the one in recovery, illustrating the final days before being forced into this life. i know TV and especially dramas NEED to have action and characters that are exaggerated from reality, but as i sit here this morning i can see what a miracle it is, that i have a fellowship that can and does provide me a place to come to, where such facile judgments are not drawn.
what that brings home to me, is that when i go to the judge, jury and executioner mode, about the addicts who are part of the parade, as i was not so long ago, i am becoming just like those hollyweird screenwriters that exaggerate for dramatic effect. i am separating myself from the herd. i am preparing to be culled by addiction. i have removed myself from the loving part of the fellowship and if nothing changes, it can be the first step in a journey that leads back to the misery of active addiction.
this morning, i have the desire to be a constructive part of the real world and of the fellowship that shelters me from the storms of addiction. this morning, i have the desire to be self-supporting and to take thr responsibility inherent in my ongoing recovery. most of all, i have the desire to stand tall and look anyone in the eyes, secure in the knowledge i am the best person i can be, just for today.
∞ DT ∞