Blog entry for:

i lived like alien being on my own planet, always alone and getting lonelier by the minute.
sand some days i still feel like that. however the reading was not about feeling like an alien, i just needed a jumping off point and ripping that line out of context seemed like a good place to start. no what i heard in this reading was the NEED for me to learn to be honest about who i am. that honesty starts with being honest to myself and telling myself the truth. so i could go into the whole philosophical discussion about the TRUTH and how that has changed over the course of my recovery, but today that would bear little fruit.
the reading also spoke to my motives of telling lies by omission to those who surround me. and what makes this so deliciously ironic, is that is the last character defect i need to define so i can move on with my sixth step, namely FEAR! yes my life is full of FEAR. it has been so since long before i ever used. way back then, i was afraid of ridicule and scorn, so i learned to be what i needed to be, hiding my TRUE self from the world around me. this behavior did not make especially popular, but it did allow me to have a social life and if i kept those around me at arm’s length i could have some fun. that lesson. learned ever so long ago, was polished and perfected to such an extent, that when i decided that i might be an addict, and that i might possibly need to find a new manner in which to live, i had no idea who or what i was.
so the steps and a bit of time, have allowed me to finally see who i am, and overcome my fear of rejection, allowing be to be a bit more free with letting out the TRUTH about me. i have hardly been freed from this behavior, that of hiding who i am to be accepted, DANG IT, but at least today i can recognize it as part of a character defect, or several, that i can become willing to have removed.
i do know who and what i am in part today. i am an addict, who is recovering in a twelve step fellowship, that has the desire not to use today. i am just an addict, without any modifiers, because if i modify the noun addict with adjectives, i am setting myself up to be something different. it has been my experience, that when i set myself up to be different, i separate myself from the very source of my recovery, the fellowship that has given me this gift of life. and as i separate, i retreat into F-F-F-FEAR, and lose my connection with the world around me. that connection is my lifeline and anything i do to hamper the flow, will kill me in the long run, and today i want to live.
so off to finish what has been one of the worst weeks in my professional life, and see if i can continue to recover from the mistakes and disasters that accumulated over the past five days.
HASTA LA VISTA all!

∞ DT ∞