Some memes

to change has not always been part of my DNA, in fact i stubbornly resisted all change, especially when it came to changing myself. i would tap dance around my need to change by flinging all sorts of excuses about WHY i could or would not be able to allow change to occur. this morning, as i sat, i saw myself, sitting on the other side of a conversation that i had with a man who calls me his sponsor, as my sponsor asked me what i was willing to do for my recovery on a daily basis. i remember how put off i was about him even thinking about asking such a question, after all, i was clean and had been clean for what i considered a good deal of time. when i finally came out of my umbrage about that question and worse, the feelings that question kicked-off, i saw that i was “stuck” and had been for a good bit of time. i also discovered that i had the notion that i “got” this recovery gig down and did not need to make any alterations to the manner in which i was living. all that constant recovery crap had to be for everyone else, but me, i was, after all, all good.
there was a seismic shift in my outlook, once the bricks of my wall of indifference to my current condition stopped falling, and i became dedicated to fostering change in my life, by learning to live a program of daily active recovery. i still do not find change to be on my top ten things i like to have in my life these days, but at least i am willing to be okay with it, as it comes down the pike, as i have seen that in my experience, there has not been any personal change that has ended up harming me in any way, and most of that change has very subtle effects on my day to day existence.
back to the conversation i had with my sponsee last night, i asked him to consider what he was willing to do to make his recovery worthwhile and he came back with all sorts of crap about this and that. he even flat out said that i suggested a course of action, in his personal life, when all i did was not attempt to dissuade him from going in that direction. i see now that i will be the scapegoat for any decision he makes, that he “discusses” with me first. when i listen to him go on and on about stuff in his life but nothing about recovery, it reminds me of my early days when i wanted an “out.” i worked very hard to separate and disqualify myself and almost did a damn good job of doing just that. finding myself in a room with a sack of my favorite dope, thousands of miles away from home, was the beginning of the end of that phase of my life and i have never regretted the decision to not use that night. i traded a friend and using buddy, for a life beyond my wildest dreams, but my willingness to change was still way in the future, that was more than enough for that epoch in my life.
today, know i have a life worth living and the conversations i have with this sponsee are about to take a very radical turn. it is time that he sees me for what i am willing to do and part of that is not to be a dumping ground and scapegoat. i am no longer going to spend a half an hour of my life on a weekly basis, listening to him prattle on about nothing and will be directing the conversations towards recovery and recovery only. i have used enough other people to come to a place where i refuse to be used by anyone else. just for today, i am willing to change how i see myself and how i live my life, without conditions, as i have a bit of FAITH that the POWER that fuels my recovery, is providing for me, all that i cannot provide for myself.

∞ DT ∞