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here i go once again, using the behaviors of a peer, to illustrate something that i am working on. i have a peer who seems to believe that they are entitled to anything that their little heart desires, without having to work for it. that for some reason, the world needs to beat a path to their doorstep so they can go places and participate in events, at no cost to themselves. that is of course, fine and dandy, lots of people in this world are selfish , self-obsessed and overly entitled. no the real issue is: that instead of coming right out and say i want can you give me, they hem, haw, whine about the injustice of the world, and generally make the case that one should support them, even if they never come straight out and ask. this manipulation, no matter how they spin it, is deceitful, dishonest and downright slimy, and when i hear it it makes me think of a time in my not so distant past, when i was a frequent flyer in the “oh please me club,” needing immediate gratification and leeching off my friends and family to get whatever it was that i wanted, BUT doing it in such a way, that they thought they were gifting me something out of the kindness of their own heart. sure i would love a European vacation and am working towards getting the means accumulated to do so, that is part of life on life's terms, if i want to go somewhere or do something, i HAVE to do the footwork to accumulate those resources, even if it means i have to sell something i treasure or put it off to another time.
time and again, across my active addiction and even into my periods of clean time, i wanted something for nothing and worked the room to get it. the dishonest part, for me anyhow,m was that i would never come out and ask, after all how would that look? remember, that for it is all about how i look and not at all about how i feel! so if i can get something for nothing, even i i am preying on the pity of my friends and family, it was worth whatever ways and means i used to get it. the nice part? i NEVER told them a lie, just enough of the truth, to trade on their affection of me, to get them to give me what i wanted.
today? well today i want to go to Europe, to Africa and to Australia; and someday i will, after i earn the means to pay for it. i know that doing so will make those trips even more enjoyable, because i will come by them honestly. today, i need to pretend i am something i am not to get what i want, nor do i ever have to play the pity card to get something i need. quite honestly, i have worked hard to get where i am at, and even if i do not walk into work as a permanent employee, i will be okay with what steps i need to take next, to further my career, insure that i have what i think i need and maybe even get a few of my wants. to say that i will not be disappointed would be a lie, i would be greatly disappointed, angry and more than a bit resentful, but i will understand that they made a business decision and today, it was to not hire me. yes i am future fVcking myself, as i am wont to do, after all, i have not even got there yet and i am already planning what to do next.
life on its own terms sometimes means that i do not get what i want, even if i really , really want it and i think i desire it. sometimes, i have to earn it, and defer it, and that sucks, but it is how the rest of the world operates. my peer? well they are who they are and i am powerless over what they do. they do provide a great example of what i do NOT want to do, or be today.

∞ DT ∞