Blog entry for:

of the truth about myself from as much of the world as i possibly could was certainly a behavior i know very well. even after a minute or so clean, i still want to fall back on living on the down-low and disappearing from the view of others. letting the world see ALL of me for who i am is, for me anyhow, a very scary proposition. one thing i did learn when i was using, was that one of the riskiest behaviors i ever undertook was letting others into my safe and secure shell. i know i pay a whole lot of lip service to being honest and letting the world see me as i am, but in reality, i still have a few things that i keep under the radar, especially to those i have yet to trust, or those who have violated my trust more than once. i know that by keeping them at more than arm's length away, i may be stifling my spiritual growth, but… <fill in the blank with a juicy rationalization>!
all of that aside, what i heard this morning was that taking the risk to allow others to see me as i am, is generally worth it, especially those i with whom i share recovery. i can say from experience that selectively editing what i show to the world, based on my perception of what my audience wants to see in me, is quite exhausting. one of the gifts of recovery that i am the most grateful for this morning, is that i no longer need to play that game, all the time, with all the people. i only need to fool some of the people, most of the time and with the rest i can be myself, whatever that self happens to be.
what i also heard this morning was that it is okay to be afraid of how someone may see me. fear of being seen as something i am not, is part of my normal pantheon of terror. it takes a bit of courage and determination to own that i am afraid and walk through that fear. today i have the courage to admit that i am unwilling to drive for forty-five to fifty minutes while feeling the aftereffects of my bowel cleansing, it has been a very long time since i shit my pants and today is not the day to revisit that little embarrassing act. as i step out for a bit of a trot around the neighborhood, i will ensure that my route includes more than one restroom that is unlocked and available for my use. is is a good day to be clean and to take care of myself. most importantly, to allow myself to BE myself, just for today.

∞ DT ∞