ฮ this fellowship of recovering addicts gives people like me ฮ
Posted: Sat, Aug 17, 2013 03:40:25 PM
a place where i can feel safe telling the truth about myself. to tell the truth, well i have been way too over-involved with telling the truth today, and i still have several hours to go before i sleep. i did however, tell the truth about myself and following up on a theme, my sin of the seven deadly ones is PRIDE, hence, the assignment i have to help me find the willingness to make amends, dropping me into the limbo at the step boundaries. i am well, at this point, but to be in a location that i am not overly fond of, at a time in my annual cycle i laughingly call the silly season, on a day where none of my plans are coming to fruition, is not exactly…
as i sit here and ponder my relative safety, i realize that as long as i stay clean, show up and be present at meetings and keep in contact with others in the fellowship i am safe. sure, my stuff may get blabbed to others out of concern or out of spite, but over that i have very little power. to live in the FEAR of that event, and disengage, will only make things worse for me, not better. in fact every time i pull back, reacting out of the FEAR of what if i end up looking bad, i am retreating back into active addiction. i am certainly tired as being defined by my addiction, but the reality is that is exactly what i am, and if i want others to see as more, than i have to allow the process to happen, more!
i do believe that is all i have to say today, i am clean and if my self-will does not get in the way, i will make the same decision again tomorrow, all i have to do, is present for it and allow it to happen. being present is my task for today and i want to have some time off, so it is time to do some work and make the time off for myself.
as i sit here and ponder my relative safety, i realize that as long as i stay clean, show up and be present at meetings and keep in contact with others in the fellowship i am safe. sure, my stuff may get blabbed to others out of concern or out of spite, but over that i have very little power. to live in the FEAR of that event, and disengage, will only make things worse for me, not better. in fact every time i pull back, reacting out of the FEAR of what if i end up looking bad, i am retreating back into active addiction. i am certainly tired as being defined by my addiction, but the reality is that is exactly what i am, and if i want others to see as more, than i have to allow the process to happen, more!
i do believe that is all i have to say today, i am clean and if my self-will does not get in the way, i will make the same decision again tomorrow, all i have to do, is present for it and allow it to happen. being present is my task for today and i want to have some time off, so it is time to do some work and make the time off for myself.
∞ DT ∞