Blog entry for:

my frustrating, humbling powerlessness is certainly not my favorite task, HOWEVER, making that admission, out loud to my peers in recovery, keeps me grounded and connected. i often wonder what i can get away with, even with all the eyes of those whom i trust with my stuff upon me. where once upon a time i wanted to be all things to all people and spent a great deal of effort doing so, even when it meant erecting “Chinese Walls” between the different roles i played, these days i am more apt to just be who i am. still, there is a part of me, who wants to play the game of being something i am not, just to see if i can still do it, play a role that is not me. so it goes and here it comes, my favorite rationalization of them all: THIS IS A PROGRAM OF PROGRESS, NOT PERFECTION.
it is more than ironic that what i feel powerless about does not appear to be my addiction. no it feels as if it is my finances, my physical health, my weight, my emotional state and my progress through this set of steps. i tend to forget that addiction affects all of those bits and pieces of my life and what i am trying to do, once again, is deconstruct addiction and what it affects, into separate parts, so i have what appears to be a greater “hump” to get over. i can cast myself in the role of Sisyphus and play the martyr to the rock of addiction i am attempting to push up the hill i call life. great work when i can find it and when i am in that sort of quandary <BOOM> acting as if i am someone else and attempting too fool everyone into believing i am genuine, “feels like” the next right thing to do.
what i am walking away with this morning is a sense of who i am, and not the need to be who i am not. i have lots of social activities to be a part of today and IF i allow myself to be separate,. i will miss the joy of the celebration. okay my next thought was to make a commitment to being honest and genuine to those around me today. i may still make that commitment, but i hardly need to declare it here, as that is just another way of lurking in the shades of what i am not. this has certainly been a weird and unusual “crazy season” for me this year. maybe it is a sign of growing beyond what once was, into something i have always wanted to be, minus the mansion and Maserati.

∞ DT ∞