โ i am able to honestly admit my frustrating, humbling powerlessness over addiction โ
Posted: Mon, Aug 17, 2009 08:10:47 AM
because i meet many others who have been in the same situation -- i am safe among them. it is more than a bit interesting that out of a reading on honesty i choose the line about admitting my powerlessness over the disease of addiction as my seed. as always, in this point of my annual cycle, i seem to become very circumspect about who i am and what the current stare of my program really is, in fact at a meeting last night i shared nothing, because all i had was problem roiling up within me, or so i thought, and no solution. after working with a sponsee, and having a very relaxing afternoon, nothing i heard last night inspired anything but anger and bitterness, and i am certain where the blame lies, it was not on the other members in attendance. so it may be that i am entering the insanity run amok phase of my annual cycle as my anniversary is less than a month away. it may be that i was just tired from driving and working with a sponsee on some very intense and deeply spiritual step work. or more likely, it was i was mot in the state of mind to really be present last night, for whatever reason, and the part of me i call my addiction ran with what everyone said, and twisted into something to raise my ire.
of course, that state continued into my Tenth Step last night, and even this morning there is still a residual of it persisting, my morning Eleventh Step lacked the feeling of connection i usually derive from sitting down and listening.
so what’s it all about? who knows, and honestly i do not care. as i dump this into cyberspace i am starting to feel a bit of relief from whatever it is, or was or will be. a bit of honesty about how that part of me i call my addict operates, is certainly doing the trick. the amazing part of revealing this information, is that of all the admissions i need to make,and of all the conditions that i needed to accept, in order to begin to recover, this was by far the toughest one. i wanted so badly to be different, to not be an addict, to find a way to use moderately like so many of my friends and peers, and most of to choose to feel those feelings i had found positive in recovery and pitch the others away. for the better part of my first two years in recovery, this idea persisted in my head, and as my time under the judicial thumb was approaching its conclusion, something changed within me, i finally began to see that i was not unique, and that what i wanted and what i could actually do were two mutually exclusive outcomes. in that fateful time, i made the decision in my heart of hearts, that what i wanted was recovery, with all of it’s work, pain, growth, joy and most of all honesty.
so i do feel a bit disconcerted when i have spells like the last 13 hours or so, when i feel disconnected form myself, my fellowship and my recovery. what do i chalk that up to? just one more piece of evidence, that regardless of how long i have been clean, the part of me i call addiction, can pop-up at any time and sweep my legs out from under me. my only defense is to be honest with those around me, who understand that, and let it go. so as i get ready to take the dawg out for a trot, i am feeli9ng closer to the program than when i woke up. i am feeling closer to the spiritual side of me, and i am beginning to feel grateful for a daily exercise that allows me to say what i need to say, one day at a time. so off to the races and into the fray.
of course, that state continued into my Tenth Step last night, and even this morning there is still a residual of it persisting, my morning Eleventh Step lacked the feeling of connection i usually derive from sitting down and listening.
so what’s it all about? who knows, and honestly i do not care. as i dump this into cyberspace i am starting to feel a bit of relief from whatever it is, or was or will be. a bit of honesty about how that part of me i call my addict operates, is certainly doing the trick. the amazing part of revealing this information, is that of all the admissions i need to make,and of all the conditions that i needed to accept, in order to begin to recover, this was by far the toughest one. i wanted so badly to be different, to not be an addict, to find a way to use moderately like so many of my friends and peers, and most of to choose to feel those feelings i had found positive in recovery and pitch the others away. for the better part of my first two years in recovery, this idea persisted in my head, and as my time under the judicial thumb was approaching its conclusion, something changed within me, i finally began to see that i was not unique, and that what i wanted and what i could actually do were two mutually exclusive outcomes. in that fateful time, i made the decision in my heart of hearts, that what i wanted was recovery, with all of it’s work, pain, growth, joy and most of all honesty.
so i do feel a bit disconcerted when i have spells like the last 13 hours or so, when i feel disconnected form myself, my fellowship and my recovery. what do i chalk that up to? just one more piece of evidence, that regardless of how long i have been clean, the part of me i call addiction, can pop-up at any time and sweep my legs out from under me. my only defense is to be honest with those around me, who understand that, and let it go. so as i get ready to take the dawg out for a trot, i am feeli9ng closer to the program than when i woke up. i am feeling closer to the spiritual side of me, and i am beginning to feel grateful for a daily exercise that allows me to say what i need to say, one day at a time. so off to the races and into the fray.
∞ DT ∞