โ as i maintain my clean time and recovery, i find myself wanting to do for others โ
Posted: Sat, Dec 15, 2007 08:22:07 AM
the things that someone did for me, and happy that i can. paying for my recovery is what i heard in the reading this morning. yes that is not a very positive spin, unless you look at life in general.
when i was active in addiction i believed that there were very few things i did that had a cost. yes there was money involved when i used those means to obtain what i needed for that day, but as long as i was paying for what i was getting, with money i earned as a result of my labors, that was a small cost to pay. as i grow in my recovery, and continue to live the program, i am more aware of what the real costs of my active addiction were, and how to this day, i am still paying them. unfortunately this addict does not recover from years of active addiction overnight. but that is hardly the point, the point that i am trying to make, is that everything i do has a cost associated with it. even just breathing depletes the air around me of that fraction of oxygen i need to survive. so if just living has a many costs to pay, living a lifer of recovery also has a cost that i need to pay.
in active addiction i had a desire to get a free ride, and did my best to achieve that, in my life of recovery, i have a desire to be self-supporting, and actually paying my way, and here is the BIGGIE, without an expectation of reward. do not get me wrong, i still like to have my efforts appreciated and i still feel good when i am recognized for paying the price for my recovery, hell, i am still human after all, and the whole reward and punishment conditioning i have been hard-wired with, still exists. HOWEVER, as an addict who chooses a life of recovery, there are times when i transcend that conditioning and become more than just another monkey. those who have gone before me, have taught me that sharing the gift of recovery and the gifts i have received as a result of my recovery, ensures that the fellowship upon which i depend for my daily survival will thrive. so i have a selfish motive for doing the next right thing when it comes to sharing the gift. i could get into the whole ends justify the means discussion, but the further i go down this path, the less spiritual i seem to be getting. so i guess it is better to stop right here and allow myself to enjoy the desire to give back and give away what was so freely given to me. i will end with the thought that today i am willing to pay the cost for my recovery and allow myself to be free from the burden of the desire to use. after all, this is all about me, anyhow.
when i was active in addiction i believed that there were very few things i did that had a cost. yes there was money involved when i used those means to obtain what i needed for that day, but as long as i was paying for what i was getting, with money i earned as a result of my labors, that was a small cost to pay. as i grow in my recovery, and continue to live the program, i am more aware of what the real costs of my active addiction were, and how to this day, i am still paying them. unfortunately this addict does not recover from years of active addiction overnight. but that is hardly the point, the point that i am trying to make, is that everything i do has a cost associated with it. even just breathing depletes the air around me of that fraction of oxygen i need to survive. so if just living has a many costs to pay, living a lifer of recovery also has a cost that i need to pay.
in active addiction i had a desire to get a free ride, and did my best to achieve that, in my life of recovery, i have a desire to be self-supporting, and actually paying my way, and here is the BIGGIE, without an expectation of reward. do not get me wrong, i still like to have my efforts appreciated and i still feel good when i am recognized for paying the price for my recovery, hell, i am still human after all, and the whole reward and punishment conditioning i have been hard-wired with, still exists. HOWEVER, as an addict who chooses a life of recovery, there are times when i transcend that conditioning and become more than just another monkey. those who have gone before me, have taught me that sharing the gift of recovery and the gifts i have received as a result of my recovery, ensures that the fellowship upon which i depend for my daily survival will thrive. so i have a selfish motive for doing the next right thing when it comes to sharing the gift. i could get into the whole ends justify the means discussion, but the further i go down this path, the less spiritual i seem to be getting. so i guess it is better to stop right here and allow myself to enjoy the desire to give back and give away what was so freely given to me. i will end with the thought that today i am willing to pay the cost for my recovery and allow myself to be free from the burden of the desire to use. after all, this is all about me, anyhow.
∞ DT ∞