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so as one of my peers is fond of saying, this is one of those readings that goes against my nature. i know i have been told since the dawn of my recovery that i need to give away what i have received in order to keep get it. well, of course, i am selfish and self-centered and i want to keep everything i have accumulated, regardless of where and how i acquired it. after all, it is mine now and i did whatever was needed to get it! when i was in active addiction, i coveted other people's lives and possessions and did what i could to get those things away from them. i believed that i had to grasp tightly to all that i had or someone would take it away from me. this principle applied to everything, my lovers, my friends, my job, any material possessions and most of all my life.
a case in point, i stole my ex-wife away from her boyfriend then proceeded to smother her with clinging grasp -- is it any wonder that she has wanted nothing to do with me since our separation?
but i do digress -- after all that is the nature of the part of me i call the disease of addiction and of course you know and understand that part. so thinking back to the reading and the events in my life over the past twenty-four hours, i realize that the reading this morning applies on a whole bunch of other levels. yes i have to share my recovery, if i expect to keep it. but also if i want the respect of my friends, co-workers, peers and family; i have to give them that same respect. if i want love, i have to share love. if i want to shine, i have to do what i can to help others shine. and all of this goes back to what my counselor in treatment kept asking me -- do i believe i am worth recovering? i did not get what she was asking way back then, after all i did not want recovery, i just wanted to comply with external circumstances, so that i could return to the life i had built. today thinking about that question in this respect, i how can i believe anyone is worth recovery when i myself do not believe that i am worthy of recovering? without that modicum of self-respect and self-love i am incapable of sharing the gifts of recovery -- how can i share what i do not have?
well right here, right now, i do believe i am worthy of recovery, i am worthy of having people in my life who love and care for me, and most of all i am worthy of choosing to not use just for today! and that i am willing to share with anyone who asks and even a few who do not (ask that is). after a bit of random musing i have discovered what that reading is saying to me today that i can find joy in sharing all the gifts of my recovery!
∞ DT ∞