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well it finally came to this reading, how can i deal with problems whose resolution is neither apparent or even possible. although i have been on the giving end of emphatically listening to some of my friends dealing with problems of this type, i have yet to find myself needing a kind ear and gentle voice to help me deal with such a situation. GOD has seen fit that up until now that this has been a mere abstraction.
well the time has come where i must learn to deal with the possible death of a very close friend in the program and i am powerless to do anything about it. ever since last week when i learned that i would be unable to give him a chance to due to how i am put together physically, i have been avoiding my feelings about this. i have been saying i was "blocked" from my emotions but the truth is i do not want to face those feelings.
part of me feels that somehow i am a failure because i was unable to provide 60% of my liver to Jim. part of me feels angry at GOD and the process because it went on for as long as it did. part of me feels relieved that i do not have to go through the surgery, pain and possible complications and then of course that brings on the guilt -- how can i possibly feel relieved when my friend is still dying. part of me wants deny that he will die unless he gets another donor. but most of all i feel sad that i may lose him and it is beyond anything i can do to help except to ease his passing by being there for him.
not a very neat package and i am not used to having so much going on over a single event in my life, so of course i exercise my will in some other area, namely i deny my feelings and walk around numb. well today the reading reminded me that i can face problems that cannot resolve and continue to grow, all i have to do is reach out and let the process of one addict helping another work.
-- DT --