• i never have to be alone with my pain again. •
Posted: Wed, Nov 2, 2011 08:31:55 AM
well, this morning, i DID make it out of the house, and got everything i needed to accomplish done, in time to beat the rest of the yahoos who, like me, had to drive in this weather to earn their daily bread. as i have been here for 45 minutes already, i feel like i have not accomplished very much, BUT i have and STOPPING TO WRITE THIS, RIGHT NOW, FEELS LIKE THE NEXT RIGHT THING TO DO.
thinking about what i heard this morning, as i took the time to listen, i have to admit that i know how it feels to live with chronic pain. as i take care of myself, through alternative means, i am finding that can be reduced to the level of non-detectable most of the time.
emotionally, i am a bit raw, however this morning. it is extremely weird that i want to feel something more than i am feeling about my nephew, and somehow it feels like i am not feeling the correct feeling for the situation. i know, i know, it is what it is, just be present for what is going on, and all will be okay, with me emotionally. and yet, there is a part of ,me, that uses this as evidence that this whole recovery gig is a farce, as i am just as uncaring as i was when i came to the rooms and sat here being dishonest for 7 months about what clean time i had and using the language, as if i really knew what it meant.
there is another train of thought that goes like this: i NEED to look like i am in the midst of the grieving process, so i NEED to feel sad and cry every time i think about Jorge. just like the man who walked into the rooms, that part of me is still concerned about how i look, and not looking like i am grieving the loss of a family member, does not FIT the image i want to project to the world.
those themes seem so different, and yet i know they come from the same root, the part of me i call addiction. the part of me that i want to be rid of. the part of me that desires my misery and does whatever it can to foster that. it is a good thing that i have friends in recovery, who actually care about me and HOW i really am feeling and are not concerned about how i look. remembering their kind words and deeds has got me to a place that i accept i am feeling what i am feeling and my process, in this respect, is my individual experience. with that in mind i think i will get back to work and see if i can finish the solving the problem i was so stuck on yesterday, it is after all, what they pay me for.
thinking about what i heard this morning, as i took the time to listen, i have to admit that i know how it feels to live with chronic pain. as i take care of myself, through alternative means, i am finding that can be reduced to the level of non-detectable most of the time.
emotionally, i am a bit raw, however this morning. it is extremely weird that i want to feel something more than i am feeling about my nephew, and somehow it feels like i am not feeling the correct feeling for the situation. i know, i know, it is what it is, just be present for what is going on, and all will be okay, with me emotionally. and yet, there is a part of ,me, that uses this as evidence that this whole recovery gig is a farce, as i am just as uncaring as i was when i came to the rooms and sat here being dishonest for 7 months about what clean time i had and using the language, as if i really knew what it meant.
there is another train of thought that goes like this: i NEED to look like i am in the midst of the grieving process, so i NEED to feel sad and cry every time i think about Jorge. just like the man who walked into the rooms, that part of me is still concerned about how i look, and not looking like i am grieving the loss of a family member, does not FIT the image i want to project to the world.
those themes seem so different, and yet i know they come from the same root, the part of me i call addiction. the part of me that i want to be rid of. the part of me that desires my misery and does whatever it can to foster that. it is a good thing that i have friends in recovery, who actually care about me and HOW i really am feeling and are not concerned about how i look. remembering their kind words and deeds has got me to a place that i accept i am feeling what i am feeling and my process, in this respect, is my individual experience. with that in mind i think i will get back to work and see if i can finish the solving the problem i was so stuck on yesterday, it is after all, what they pay me for.
∞ DT ∞