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well, i have to be honest here, i have yet to face a problem in recovery that had no end, true the end may have certainly beyond the limits of my narrow self-centered vision, but it was there nevertheless. what i forget, is that no matter what i feel my life is like today, good, bad, indifferent or simply too hard to tolerate, if i persevere, my life will change. if i persevere and keep doing the next right thing, chances are that the ends will be to my liking, although that is far from guaranteed. recovery is not a classic “country and western” played backwards and sometimes i find what i lost in active addiction, may not really be something that i want or need back in my life today. now that i have piled on the feelgood clichés, i can move on.
i know i often make light of myself when i write about the good in my life and seem to be all prideful about how i an find the darkest of clouds in a perfectly blue and clear sky, to extend the metaphor. i know that i am cynical and approaching life knowing that, seems to mean, at least to me, that i have to be cynical all the time, in every single instance, regardless of how i am feeling, just to be “true” to myself. i have made cynicism part of my identity, embracing wit with such gusto, that i am loathe to show that i am more than my cynicism. that part of me, that i have blown way out of proportion, is now protecting me from seeing the reality and being grateful for the life that i have built, since i finally became a member and accepted that a program of active recovery was the path to something better for me. moving through FEAR through HOPE to FAITH, means that i have changed and holding on to cynicism is my foil to perceive how much change has occurred as a result of living the program. if i continue to feed the store that i am flawed beyond redemption, i have a justification for my lack of commitment to the “no matter what club FOREVER.” i see myself and tell myself i am “too bad” and dismiss the ideas of my peers as pipe-dreams and wishful thinking, although i have yet to see an adherent of POSITIVE ATTRACTION stay clean for three or more years. perhaps my sample size is far too small and i am not including those who practice it, without talking about it, sort of like me and my spiritual path. this notion does require further research as i continue to “feel my way” into my THIRD STEP.
i want to be better than i was yesterday and when i hold on to the self-image of who i think i am today, i prevent that transformation from happening, in short i am fighting putting my whole life and will into the care of anything but myself. hiding behind the shield of cynicism and sarcasm, keep me from becoming engaged in the change and i suffer because of my own stubborn obstinance. it is FEAR that keep me from feeling HOPE that yes i can change and blocking me from the sunlight of FAITH in the program that has brought me this far. i am afraid to allow the stories i tell myself to be shown for the lies and shackles that they are. there is certainly a sick comfort in clinging to what i k=now, even though it may be killing me, and that seems to be the problem i have that has no end in sight, although there is certainly a process in my life to change that as well, just for today.

∞ DT ∞