Blog entry for:

my pain, even though i KNOW there is a solution. so i am quite powerless about how i was brought up and the culture that i was born into. those choices were made by someone else, and everyday, i get messages from popular culture that reinforce many of the “values” that were imposed upon me, as i grew up in white-bread America. i am not powerless about allowing myself to play “victim” to those influences any more. with all the cry and hue these days about white male privilege or the discrimination against white males in American society, one would think that i came form an oppressed ethnic and gender group. the fact is, i grew up in a very fortunate class and that i take all that i have because of the color of my skin and my gender, for granted. i was cultured into the notion, that i was entitled to certain things and as a result had to behave in a very distinct manner.
jumping down off of my soapbox, one of those so-called values is that i ALWAYS keep my cards close to my chest. asking for help is a sign of weakness and showing any emotional reaction will allow others to use that against me in the competition to get what is mine and what i am entitled to. even after a few days clean, those voices of culture, still echo and whisper in my head and reading such as the one this morning, that speak to sharing my pain and my burdens, create a cognitive dissonance that is difficulty to ignore. what i was taught as i grew up and what i have learned in recovery are certainly at odds, and the part of me that wants to look good, is sometimes more powerful than the part of me that wants to get stronger, healthier and more secure. unlike the fairy tale, the good guy does not always win this battle and i am often caught with boogers all over my face.
the truth is, at least as far as recovery goes, is that i HAVE never been injured by a peer in recovery, when i reached out for a bit of comfort or advice, PERIOD! as i grew more comfortable with that fact, i have learned to let go of the TRUTH that i once thought i knew and become open to a different manner of looking at the world around me. the biggest part of what i heard this morning, was that even though i may desire to cast blame on my family, society and popular culture, for becoming what i was, it is not who i have to be today. i can take the responsibility to care for myself and do the next right thing. i do not need to jump through any psycho-babble hoops or play the spin game of always looking on the bright side of life. when i hurt, i can choose to ask for help and accept the offerings that my peers give me. i may live in a glass house of sorts, but doing so, allows those who i grew up with in the rooms to give me the Experience, Strength and HOPE they have accumulated, just for today

∞ DT ∞