Blog entry for:

this morning, as i sit here, after the best night of sleep i have had in a month, i am wondering what i can do. although i want to deny it, i am still be affected by the sudden death of a fellow member a week ago. i have some of the classic signs of depression, irritability, no desire to do anything, restless nights and seemingly irrational mood swings. i took a day off from running yesterday as planned and have a second planned day off today, and yet i feel that i am being lazy and unproductive. nothing i do is good enough or even enough these past few days. the question is not what the problem is, the real question is what i want to do about it. my solution? wait, listen and then act.
wait for what? the answer of course. no i am not going to sit here and do nothing living on FAITH that putting my life on hold is the answer. i am going to work, vote, go to a meeting and call my sponse. that may not appear like a whole lot of waiting, but for an resulst oreiented control freak like me, that is doing nothing.
listen for what? the answer of course! i do have FAITH, that if i allow myself the freedom to step out of the internal conversation that is part of my human condition, i will hear the solution for my current conundrums. if i share honestly that i am messed up with my friends, they will say something or maybe nothing that will lead to the solution. the trick here, for me, is to be present, and see what i can discover by not telling myself what i SHOULD be doing.
act on what? well maybe nothing, but whatever happens to come my way, after i allow the spiritual side of me to be expressed. i know that i am not a depressive type. i know that i like to be always fixing problems, mine and especially those of others. i know i like to feel like i am doing something. and i know i do not like to show my suffering, such as it is, to others. so what i am doing is something different, after all, i am looking for the process of restoration to sanity to be manifest in my life, once again. i believe it is always happening, and just because i happen to once again be looking at the insanity of my life, it does not mean that the restoration process has suddenly ceased. it does mean, that i am seeing more than ever before and that as a result i can be a partner in that restoration process.
anyhow, i am feeling better after a bit of a dump. time to shower, go and vote and see what i can get done today.

∞ DT ∞