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so it is impossible to be intimate without being honest and being who you are.
when i got here, intimacy was something i did in bed with the current flavor of the moment and had absolutely nothing to do with being honest or showing who i truely was. in fact the contrary was true, to bed that current flavor i was notably dishonest and without any desire to show what and who i was.
i was in for a BIG shock when i got here and those who were her started to tell me that intimacy was not about SEX, but was about letting them in and letting them see me how i was, warts and all! i have discovered over the course of my journey that i both desire and need intimacy and fear it. this dichotomy colored my life forever and is only now becoming resolved. i feared being intimate because i desired it so much. since being intimate would mean showing who i was and not who i thought you wanted to see, how could you possible want to be close to someone as flawed and bad as me.
today i have learned a bit of humility and while not entirely happy with who i am, at least i can accept that i am who i am and to form deep intimate relationships i need to honestly be the best person i can today.
-- DT --