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one of the saddest facts of my life, is my need to hide who i am from everyone around me, lest they destroy me. as much as that sounds like hyperbole, it is still an active part of the **real me.** as i become more honest with who i am, i can certainly feel better about what i show to the rest of the world. these days, that self is frustrated, angry and hostile to even the slightest affront or disrespect. knowing better does little to change how i am reacting to the world. what i feel is being driven by the events that are far beyond my control and there are times when i feel like Number 45, certain that what i am hearing has to be a lie and cannot be reconciled with my version of reality. when i arrive at that spot, as i often do these days, the only thing that returns me to sanity is allowing myself to cease fighting and accept what is really happening.
i started down a path yesterday where i came to a few conclusions about part of the world i interact with, specifically my peers in recovery. some of them are dear friends that actually care about me and with whom i have built strong and equal relationships. some of them are acquaintances, that i do care about, but are often more like ships that pass in the night. our lives intersect in the meetings and when we talk, there is a genuine and sincere concern for each other. the final “bucket” are those peers who “use” me and who i have “used” in the past, to get something i wanted. those interactions are wrapped in mock concern and a cordial frostiness. it always surprises me when i have one of those interactions that they seem to be astonished i see them, the interactions, for what they are, rather than ignoring what is under the pile of spiritual camouflage. i get my greatest lessons about intimacy from the former, as it certainly paints a picture of the man, i often still find that i am. today, as i prepare to step out into the world, i can be okay knowing that when i want something from my peers, i am better off asking directly, rather than feigning concern. i may not get what i want, but at least i will be okay with how i handled the situation, honestly and openly. just for today, that is the lesson of intimacy i will carry forward into my version of reality.

∞ DT ∞