Blog entry for:

to feel the closeness intimacy brings, i must allow others to get close to me, the real me.
and the whole prospect of someone getting close to me scares the living shit out of me, still, even after a few days clean. however, i am learning that if someone gets to know the REAL me, most of the time they do not run screaming from the room yanking their hair out! well actually i have yet to have anyone react in that manner, nevertheless, the part of me i call my disease insists that it will happen, and that it will happen with everyone. that part of me refuses to see the world in anything but black and white, absolutely no shades of grey. hence, it always whispers about hiding who i really am behind the wonderful façade, that i so carefully crafted in active addiction. that wall of deception and deceit prevents anyone from seeing the REAL me. even though i am still finishing amends tied to this wonderful behavior, i still want to retreat back into the fantasy world of being ... oh i do not know ... nobody and everybody.
most of the time however, i practice a tiny bit of courage and let most of the people in my life see me for what i really am, just another human being, flawed by nature, but possessing more than a single redeeming characteristic, that is doing his best to stay clean on a daily basis and learning how to live the spiritual principles that have been given to him, by the program of recovery that gave him a brand new life.
the second part of the reading this morning, the process of getting to know who i am is less frightening to me. over the course of my recovery, i have come to see that i am not an evil person. that i am worthy of being loved, and that i am quite capable of returning love. i have also discovered that the process of learning who and what i am, deep down, takes more than a quick trip through the twelve steps, it is a process that i doubt i will ever complete. new stuff about me is revealed in my daily inventory, as well as those periodic tune-ups of formal step work. each time a new nugget of information is uncovered by me, or pointed out to me by those who love me, i get yet another opportunity for growth.
so out into the cold, cold world to deal with a few responsibilities and perhaps the opportunity to let someone see who i REALLY AM, a bit of application of a spiritual principle or two!

∞ DT ∞