Blog entry for:

completely honest, with another person.
hear ye, hear ye, i now forbid using the word **practice** anymore in my sharing. the realization of my seed for this little exercise is just the starting point. i have used the word practice for long enough, and i am coming to see, that using that term is, in and of itself, an excuse for being human. in my mind this morning, it is the same as saying “what do you expect, i am, after all, only human and an addict to boot!”
in its defense, i can see the word practice as being a nice familiar term, that allows me the freedom to be less than perfect. i can also see it as a foil for not doing my best, i am practicing a 90 percent program, comes to mind, and doctors practice medicine, both connote less than perfection, while giving my ego an escape route. after some time in recovery, my ego no longer needs to be coddled by me, i am going to act-out, behave in a less than spiritual manner and take emotional risks and fall short. that is just the nature of the beast. softening the blow, with the language the fellowship gives me, does not make me any better. facing facts and standing up for who i am, does forward my progress into becoming something more. those i see around me, who seem to be stuck provide me the inspiration to let go of the emotional pillows i have been gifted with and take a couple of hard falls. embarrassment has yet to kill me, having a feeling or three has yet to kill me, so risking my ego and self-esteem to brutal honesty, will probably not kill me either.
what does that have to do with being completely honest with someone else? well, for one, this gives me, myself and i; a line in the sand, as it were. a place in my recovery journey where i replace practice with repetition and i set my goal a bit higher than i can likely achieve, as i am quite certain that only getting to the 90% mark in complete honesty is far from a failure. i am saying that balance is what i seek. i am starting to feel as if it is time to do this recovery gig without the safety net of comforting but demeaning terms, and ideas. i am coming to see that taking responsibility for my recovery is a whole lot more than the smoke and mirrors that the language of the fellowship provides me to hide within.
do not misread what i just said. it is NOT the language of the fellowship that is at fault here, it is the manner in which i use it. i am the one that seeks the escape route; the soft landing; and the easier, softer way. it is me, who has twisted the concepts up to feed one of my most glaring character defects, low self-esteem. so it is me, that needs to move forward into the uncharted waters of life without “comfort words.” sure they may be a more than a few dragons here, and i may end up being too harsh on myself, but honestly i am beginning to get a clue or two where i need to go with my next set of steps. i may not have totally “felt” it yet, but that day is not too far away.
time to go make the donuts and be a participant in the rest of my life, and yes, as i walk through today i will repeat being completely honest as much as i can.

∞ DT ∞