โฆ i seek the freedom from isolation and loneliness that intimacy brings ♦
Posted: Wed, Nov 30, 2011 08:03:47 AM
the only way to do that is to be the REAL ME. that is of course the rub. for years i hid that person behind the fractured personality that active addiction allowed me to develop and maintain. in fact, by the time i got to recovery, i believed that survival technique was who i was. the part of me i call addiction convinced me that i was so low, so broken and so without any redeeming qualities, that living in that lie was the only way i was going to have any social interactions at all, and the evidence that part of me presented was very convincing!
when i started to work the steps and learn how to live a program, i was to say the least more than a little confused. intimacy was what you did between the sheets and letting anyone see who i was, was the last thing i wanted to do. yes, i wanted people in my life, but at a safe and comfortable distance. the worst part was i had no clue who i really was, living a multiple lives, as resource consuming as it was, was all i knew. the step process started my integration into becoming a whole person. that process is ongoing today and instead of concentrating on the outcome, i am getting to the point where the journey is far more important. along the way, some amazing things have happened as well as some events that totally suck. when i allow myself ton become close to someone, there is always a chance i will get hurt, and i have. there is always the chance that y=hey will leave me or die, and they have. i have begun to look at the pain as the price i pay, for all the amazing things that intimacy brings, i have started to see, that being whole and genuine has benefits far beyond my wildest dreams. most importantly, the process, is allowing me to see me for who i am, an equal to ALL, neither less than or better than, than anyone else. as i continue this journey, more and moire i find comfort in having people in my life that have my back and whose back i also have. all in all quite the bargain!
so my life, as it is today, is incredible, and before i sound anymore like Susie Sunshine, i do have a luxury bitch to whine about, OVERTIME! yes i want the bucks, BUT i also have commitments to others and myself i need to honor this week, so i will compromise, some hours but no alteration in what i HAVE already planned. next week, when the OT is offered again, i will be ready to accept it, have the skills to give my employer fair worth for their generous offer and take it. just for today, i can feel that this is the path for me and it feels so right, after letting it go and allowing my heart to sort it out.
so time to see what the news of the world is, and end this with the thought, that i CAN and WILL allow the world to see the real me and it will not be a bad decision to do so.
when i started to work the steps and learn how to live a program, i was to say the least more than a little confused. intimacy was what you did between the sheets and letting anyone see who i was, was the last thing i wanted to do. yes, i wanted people in my life, but at a safe and comfortable distance. the worst part was i had no clue who i really was, living a multiple lives, as resource consuming as it was, was all i knew. the step process started my integration into becoming a whole person. that process is ongoing today and instead of concentrating on the outcome, i am getting to the point where the journey is far more important. along the way, some amazing things have happened as well as some events that totally suck. when i allow myself ton become close to someone, there is always a chance i will get hurt, and i have. there is always the chance that y=hey will leave me or die, and they have. i have begun to look at the pain as the price i pay, for all the amazing things that intimacy brings, i have started to see, that being whole and genuine has benefits far beyond my wildest dreams. most importantly, the process, is allowing me to see me for who i am, an equal to ALL, neither less than or better than, than anyone else. as i continue this journey, more and moire i find comfort in having people in my life that have my back and whose back i also have. all in all quite the bargain!
so my life, as it is today, is incredible, and before i sound anymore like Susie Sunshine, i do have a luxury bitch to whine about, OVERTIME! yes i want the bucks, BUT i also have commitments to others and myself i need to honor this week, so i will compromise, some hours but no alteration in what i HAVE already planned. next week, when the OT is offered again, i will be ready to accept it, have the skills to give my employer fair worth for their generous offer and take it. just for today, i can feel that this is the path for me and it feels so right, after letting it go and allowing my heart to sort it out.
so time to see what the news of the world is, and end this with the thought, that i CAN and WILL allow the world to see the real me and it will not be a bad decision to do so.
∞ DT ∞