Blog entry for:

HOWEVER, sharing this insight with another recovering addict is essential. i finally get some needed perspective on my part in the problem and how i can work toward a solution. nobody knows the troubled relationships i’ve seen…
or so it was destined to go, before i came into recovery. not that mere abstinence was some sort of magic bullet that auto-magically fixed all my troubled relationships up, not by any stretch of the imagination. even after some time clean, i more than a few so-called troubled relationships, that i am looking at with my sponsor. life is like that in my world, i expect, they expect and more times than not those expectations do not come to pass, leading to anger, resentments, and a whole slew of not so spiritual behaviors on my part. so where exactly is the fVcking HOPE??? well i do relationships much better than i used to, i have removed many expectations from my current set of relationships, and now that i think about it, i NEED to remove the expectation that the men i sponsor stay clean, and replace it with the expectation that they do their level best EVERY DAY to stay clean. a small twist in language and i feel better about those relationships, HMMMMM, imagine that! my part of my part in the relationships that are far from ideal, is that i place expectations on others, then do not tell the other party what my expectations happen to be, or even worse change the rules in the middle of the game, so the terrain is always shifting. i know that this behavior is part of the little personal power games i learned in active addiction, these games worked well for me, in that they kept me separated and wrapped in a cocoon of spiritual and emotional isolation. now that i have some time clean, and the desire to be a part of this world is within me, it is troubling when i slip back into this behavior, and it is certainly going to be a theme as i work through this step cycle.
of course there are those relationships where i have gone through a tumultuous period, made my expectations and boundaries quite clear and still have trouble. my part, i expected the other party to be listening and i take their lack of response for tacit agreement. once again that is where i get into trouble, assuming they heard, understood and agreed with my expectations. of course, then i get all self-righteous and feel justified being pissed, and retaliate in kind, matching disrespect to each slight, imagined or otherwise. of course those relationships go from bad to worse, and i wonder what the fVck went wrong. once again, it comes back to the same problem, my unmet expectations.
so what i am hearing this morning is that i need to carefully examine my relationships as i work through the steps and see how i can move past my expectations of others. how i can be more honest in my dealings and how i can level the playing field so that the relationships i have and will have are more equal, loving and caring. sounds easy enough, so i think i will close with that and go take the dawg out for a trot around the neighborhood. it is a great day to be alive and working on a solution instead of trying to be a problem.

∞ DT ∞