Blog entry for:

of one of my oldest relationships, was certainly one of the benefits of my FIFTH STEP forty-eight hours ago. i still have to come up with an action plan as how to move forward with that relationship, BUT, my relation ship with the self i have yet to meet, is shaping up already. it is certainly ironic that for all these years i have never used the term “broken” to ever describe who i was. in fact i often railed at my peers when the whined about being more broken than others or too broken to recover. the first time i ever used the term “broken” was fifteen days ago when i wrote out my FOURTH STEP.
one of the questions my sponse asked me was, what was it that lit such a fire under my ass? i was at the edge of walking away from taking any sort of care of my parents. My Mom had worked my last nerve, and i was getting more sick and tried every single day, from biting my tongue and swallowing the my feelings about disrespect i perceived i was being shown by her. on a daily basis, when i returned form my afternoon visit with them, my spouse had to talk me off the ledge, time and again. i know something had to give, and what gave was my resistance to writing out the FOURTH STEP that focused on who and what i thought i was and may still be. the pattern i established in my life at the tender age of five or six, was still being played out at sixty-four. i thought i had put all that behind me, but the reality was, that internalized that betrayal of trust, relived the humiliation over and over and over again and learned to hide my true self, so i could get by.
as well as i may be getting, this is a wall that needed to be demolished by the twelve step process so that i can become someone i can take pride in being. the reconstruction of my m ulti-faceted personality has been compete for quite some time. my metamorphosis into something more can now take place, as i know the lie of being broken, is just that a lie that i elevated into the TRUTH!! just like the ardent follower so of Forty-Five, it is easy to believe a lie, when it is told often and loud enough. i have first hand experience with that. the only difference is that i am not a narcissistic demagogue. playing to the masses for adulation. no as i am starting to learn, relying on others to build my esteem will only fail me in the end.
well, looking out my window, it does not look like the time is right to go shovel the front walk, as the snow is still thick and falling horizontally. i do need to go re-clear the backside of my house, so my picky little dawg will go out to relieve herself. i may not have all the answers when it comes to relationships, but i do know that just for today i am on a path of forgiving my Mom for who she is and forgiving myself for buying into a lie for nearly six decades. it is a good day to be clean and to get acquainted with the Don that is yet to come.

∞ DT ∞