Blog entry for:

that has become filled with relationships, all sorts of them, and many i never thought i wanted or needed. this stuff just happens lately and yesterday i started a tentative relationship with a new sponsee. as always, when i start to sponsor someone, all sorts of calculus goes on in my head, starting with whether or not i believe i will have enough time to give them what they need. when i enter this sort of relationship, it is all about what i can give another and that is not what i was all about, when i came to the rooms. back in the day it was all about what i can take. on this merry PI (3.14) day, when i GET to decide if it is cherry or lemon meringue, i also get to muse about the nature of my relationships and how i can be a better participant in them.
relationships are messy, i got to admit it, and i am far from prefect in how i do them. in the whole “progress not perfection” paradigm that i am so loathe to rely upon as an excuse for my bad behavior, i get a break or three. no i cannot wash away my sins by invoking it, but i can forgive myself and admit when i am wrong, without trying to rationalize away my behavior. it is, after all, what i do that is important and not what i say i am going to do, or say about what i just did.
it seems that every step cycle i go through ends up being on one set of relationships or another, starting with my relationship with addiction and substances that facilitated the events that drove me to recovery. the focus of this fifth set seems to be pointing towards my relationship with my spiritual path, which makes sense after the spiritual awakening that occurred over my last step cycle. it is interesting that i can “blame” that shift on a man i sponsored for a very short period of time. his spiritual path and practices allowed me the freedom to find my own and still be a part of the fellowship that has given me the FREEDOM to participate in relationships, without worrying who has the most or least power.
coming down off the hill the other night, i was speaking about a similar topic. somehow the conversation came around to bullying, intellectual anyhow, and i suggested that being bullied in school was quite different than being bullied in the rooms, as as an adult one has the FREEDOM to walk away, form the meeting from the fellowship or from the bullies themselves. what i hinted at, but did not say outright, is that as an adult, one has the obligation to stand up for oneself and not allow a “bully” to disrespect one's boundaries. having allowed myself to be bullied, read giving away my personal power for one reason or another, and intellectually bullying others, i see how destructive that behavior can be to my relationships. what that behaviors came down to, at least for me, was a severe lack of self-respect, self-worth and self-esteem and as i sit in the powerless part of my 1ST STEP, i realize that bullies only have power, when i give it to them and not everyone who disrespects me, is a bully. not everyone who offers an opinion or judgement contrary to mine is ignorant. most importantly, i will not be diminished by the religious or spiritual practices of the men i sponsor, those who have walked this path before or the majority of my peers in the rooms. what i have been hearing the past few days about labeling people and the buckets i throw them into as the result of those judgements. is certainly a path forward through this whole sticky wicket of relationships. i know today, i will be an a$$hole, at least once, that is just part of the package. i also know that at least once, someone will cross a boundary or two, that two i life on life's terms. what i am working on today, is how to behave in the aftermath and not cause damage to others or myself, after all relationships, at least in my mind, need to be all about equality and equal participation.

∞ DT ∞