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my relationships speaks volumes about my essential character. as i was kidding around with one of my co-workers this morning, i asked what flavor of pie she was going to get to celebrate PI day. yes i am quite nerdy enough to equate the date March 14th (3/14) with the two digit approximation of the irrational constant PI (3.14). moving on from being my “punny” self and into a more serious take on this day and the reading, humor is certainly one way that i can gauge how my relationships are going.
over the past ten days or so, i have had more than one of my so-called jokes, fail miserably and end up damaging a relationship. i do have a very sharp wit and part of many of my relationships is the back and forth banter of riposte and parry. one of the behaviors that have carried on from my using days, is using that wit as a weapon to make myself feel better at the expense of someone else. i was quite obtuse to the fact that what i could say was all in good fun and part of the back and forth that define many of my relationships was actually hurtful and an attempt to shore up my lack of feeling good about myself. as i “listened” this morning, i got a glimpse into what it driving my less than stellar relationship with myself, namely the blame and shame i feel for getting scammed and the consequences of living my life much more frugally than ever before. even though i am more fit than i have been in years, both physically and spiritually, i still hear the voice of shame screaming in my head about that whole affair, repeating the phrase “you SHOULD HAVE known better!”
this morning as i prepare for another indoor workout and a day of working from home, i know i need to venture out and get some social interaction as well. the local meeting tonight has been altered to a format i do not find very much to my liking, even though i have yet to go there and experience it. i have what a friend call a “presentment,” and maybe heading over there tonight needs to be part of my plan. what i do know is that, no matter what, i can be okay today. i can examine how i affect those who are part of my life and make the adjustments i need to make to my behavior to reflect that i really am okay. just for today.

∞ DT ∞