Blog entry for:

if they are not using, what on earth do they have to be happy about? ah, the memories of those days when i so desperately wanted to be different, what a wonderful time that was, NOT! the last thing i ever though would happen, has. i have not used for quite a few days in a row now, even the fact of the matter is THAT I LIKE TO GET HIGH! i liked it from the first time i ever used, and i liked it the last time i ever used, even though there were times when it did not work very well for me, i willing to settle because i knew the next time it would certainly work once again, and it always did. so when i saw the addicts who were here when i got here, having a good time, laughing and appearing to be happy, the last thing i believed was that they were clean. my reasoning went something like this. if these are people like me as they say they are, then they NEED to use to like me to be happy. since these people appear happy, either they are acting happy to cover up something, OR they are using on the side and lying about, OR i am not at all like these people, therefore for any and all of those reasons recovery cannot work for me. hence, i can just hang here until i am free from my judicial thumbscrews, and then i will be able to return to the **LIFE**.
enough of the bad old days reminiscing. the truth is, i finally stopped believing the lies i told myself, accepted that i was in NEED of recovery, because i am an addict and moved on. what that means for me today, is that i do love the life that has been given to me. the gifts i have received ever since the day i accepted in my heart of hearts that i am and addict, that i am powerless over my addiction and that my life is unmanageable, are beyond counting. the ones i seem to value the most, are the ability to love and be loved, and to accept whatever life happens to pitch my way on a daily basis. i am moving forward into a future, the shape of which, i cannot discern, and for the first time in my life, that thought does not fill me with paralyzing fear. i d o have a vision for the man i want to become, and i can see that path must go through the 12 steps and my continued abstinence from using.
so am i happy today? YES am i having fun now? YES do i regret leaving the so-called good life behind? NOT AT ALL! in fact i am happier now than i ever was in those drug induced blissful days and am willing to do whatever it takes to stay clean today. so on that note, time to suit up and hit the streets running.
before i go…

Congrats on 21 years clean, DENISE W

so it is off to the races.

∞ DT ∞