Blog entry for:

accurate image of who i am and a glimpse of who i may becoming. i have to admit, my life is no better today, than it was yesterday.y Dad is still dying. my Mom is living up to what she feels she needs to be. I still have to find a new job by the end of June and i have two teeth getting yanked out of my head, next week. today, however the pervasive lightness of spirit that i felt after the live meeting i attended, is still part of what i feel today. my life is no easier or less stressful than yesterday, but i seem to have found a spot of acceptance and serenity.

Denise W.
Thirty-two (32) years clean!
WOW, CONGRATS my friend.

Greg C.
THREE (3) years clean.
Keep coming BACK.

i can honestly say that i am okay today and not feeling as if i am sitting at the bottom of a huge pile of shit, having to “eat” my way out, and that feels better than it has for a bit of time. i know there are still challenges coming down the road at me and that the feelings that i feel right now, are just like all feelings, transitory and subject to change with little or no notice. that does not matter, right here and right now, i will savor what i have.
this whole notion that my identity was based on the lie that i was broken, as new as it is to me, has been gnawing at me for quite some time. one of the things i learned to do very well in active addiction was to deny everything that might cause me any sort of discomfort, and i became very good at doing so. today, i may still have that ability, but the desire to live in that particular fantasy world, is not as strong as it once was. the steps have relieved me of much of my need to pretend to be what i am not. ironically by admitting that my identity and belief structure was based on the notion that i was “broken” was a great relief and provide me the ways and means to move forward in my life. i may feel ill-equipped to handle my life on its own terms today, but emotionally i feel as if i am still six years old. “adulting” as a six year old, is a tough thing to do. the fellowship that has allowed me to be stripped of my inadequate and flawed defenses also provides me the means to rebuild into something stronger, more flexible and certainly more resilient, all i have to do, is keep doing this gig to the best of my ability, just for today.

∞ DT ∞