Blog entry for:

so much in recovery, are the direct result of my active participation in my recovery. what is on my mind is what seems to feel like the season of the witch, when close friends, with whom i have formed a bond with, decide that maybe this way is not the way for them. they do not want to use, but what the way of life i have adopted requires, is more than they are willing to pay, just for today. ironically i am less harsh and judgemental about their decision than that addict i was there to serve last weekend. when it comes down to it, i want what is best for them, regardless of what my opinion may be. for me, well i am a true believer, that has put my FAITH into this program and have found a continuous chain of evidence that it is certainly the way for me. speaking of doing the deed:

Denise W
27 years of 'just for today.'
You give me the HOPE to keep coming back.

i have often said that i am not one of those “never again” kind of addicts. i am more than a bit commitment phobic and commit to an entire life of abstinence scares gets my knockers (knickers) in such a bun that i can hardly breathe. even with being on the just for today program, i still find everything i need to stay clean today and live a life beyond anything i could ever dream of, yet there is that part of me that wonders is there a life for me outside the fellowship?
i really cannot name that part of me, nor would i want to, it is just a feeling that i may be missing something because i choose this path for my life. that train of thought usually derails at the “if this is into for me, than what is a little sumthin', sumthin' gonna hurt junction.” one thing i KNOW,. is that when i use, it is to get high. once i get high, i cannot stop getting high, and the whole cycle of use → jones → use, starts all over again. that part of a life without a program of recovery, is something i dread. i truly enjoy living a life where i am NOT a slave to my need to get high. which brings me back to my musing about life beyond the fellowship, is it something that i might consider?
honestly, most of my social life and friends are in the fellowship that continues to keep me free from active addiction. certainly the freedom i have found to strip off the layers of social and conditional programming has also come from the path i have trod for these past few days, so why would i start messing around with something that is working for me? the answer is, i would not, and i project that conclusion on to my friends and peers as well. why would they chose to explore alternate paths when the answer is so frigging obvious and already in front of them? of course the question is rhetorical and i am unable to even begin to answer it. what i do know, is that for every bit of effort i have put into my recovery program, i have gotten more back. when i started this set of steps, realizing how socially inept and retarded i am, i never believed that by the time i reached step 12, i would be lamenting the fact that those whom i have come to know and love, may not find what i find in the fellowship and need to seek something different. i never dreamed that i would wonder if there was a life beyond recovery for me, and as i am discovering that life is not just beyond recovery, it is because of my recovery path. i no longer can live in the insular world of fellowship alone, and because i follow a program i can be a part of the rest of society as well. for me, it is not just about not using, it is about learning how to live a new way of life. the template for that life, i have found, is in the program of recovery offered to me by the fellowship of which i am a part. my friends who drift away? well i will keep close to them and learn how to maintain a relationship outside of the rooms.

∞ DT ∞