Blog entry for:

that resembles that of the so-called **normal** people i once scorned, has been quite a task, one might even even say a Herculean one, for someone like me. well, i started down the path of contrasting and comparing what my life is like today and what it was like, back in the end days of my active recovery. while i think that may have been a direction to go, what came upon me was why would i want to do so, when i have a totally different topic on the top of my head. it does go towards the theme that life in active addiction, my life anyhow, bears little resemblance to the life i am living today, but veers in a direction that is more indicative that i am still an addict, no matter how “normal” my life happens to look.
one of my pet peeves, is when my peers use the term “D.rug O.f C.hoice,“ as if every other mind and mood altering substances were never a problem. for me, i know that was a game i played, especially in early recovery, as it gave me a story i could tell myself. as long as it was not my DOC, then it was only a slip and not a full-blown relapse. it is also the same story i could tell myself if it was only one drink, a tiny whiff of sumthin', sumthin' or a toke or three. those stories minimize the effect of what i did and somehow excuse me from taking responsibility for what i have done. although i have heard those words come out of the mouths of my peers, since the day i got clean, i cannot cast motives on why they would say that. i know, that for me, it would relieve me of the burden of accepting responsibility for my decision of CHOOSING to USE. i know that having the life that i do, chance are that i am in a situation where something of that nature just “happens to show up,” is probably not reality.
the truly ironic part of all of that, is there are times when i would love to say, i accidentally stumbled into a crack house and was forced to use against my will. a situation where i could abdicate my responsibility for my recovery and find a whole set of people and circumstances upon which to rest the blame. ole behavior? no, not really. that is a very familiar refrain in my life and one that i can choose to not be a victim of, any more.
today, my so-called normal life is not really all that normal, after all how many “normal” people get a call from a friend asking for a ride from a seventy-two hour lock-down? what i have is a life that no longer relies on getting and using and finding the ways and means to get more. because of that fact, and that fact alone, i get to be a part of the world, instead of being behind locked doors in a bathroom with running water. for that, i am grateful, just for today.

∞ DT ∞