¦ i find myself doing and enjoying things ¦
Posted: Fri, May 20, 2011 08:12:37 AM
that i never thought i would be doing. this is one of those reading that feels like it is supposed to talk about one thing and goes off on a obliquely related tangent. although the title and the body match very well, the quote that comes from the literature does not.
how does finding myself enjoying activities that i never thought i would really fit with coming bout of the isolation of active addiction?
with that dissonance in mind, perhaps, i can tie it all together without stretching the bounds of credulity here. i never have been the most social guy on the block. something in my make-up, whether it is genetic, cultural or mental illness, has always kept me from having a great desire to socialize. the shrink treatment made me see, way back when, diagnosed me with panic disorder, and of course that could explain it. although, theses days with four thousand nine hundred and ninety-nine days in a row clean, i have reason to doubt that diagnosis. be that as it may, the fact was, i was not a social creature before i started using and activities that required social interaction were low on my list to do. look at the team sports i was part of, track and field, cross-country, and soccer rather than football, basketball or softball. sports where individual effort is empathized over team effort and where it was me against all comers. anyhow, when addiction became part of my life, withdrawing from social situations became normal for me. at first, using allowed me to desire social interaction and i became quite the party goer, back in the day. as addiction progressed. my social life became more and more limited, until it was only those last ones standing, that i wanted to hang with. i did look at the activities of the other 85% as boring and “uncool” as the judgement machine kicked in and really got rolling. in the end i was bored, but high, alone but far from lonely and had accepted that i would be alone and high until the day i died., and i saw nothing wrong with that at all.
well, i am still not a social butterfly and have yet to find bowling cool, BUT, i am becoming more connected to the world and the billions of humans that are inhabiting it today. technology provides part of that connection. the fellowship is where i have learned what few social graces i have acquired, as that has been a safe place for me to try out the social skills i lacked the desire to acquire, way back in the days before i first got high. so in a way, the activities i choose are a reflection on my re-entry into the social world and coming out of the social isolation that addiction allowed, nay required.
it really was not that much of a stretch to bridge those concepts, and yes this morning i am going to go participate in my solitary sport, before i head to the man cave to work. who knows what the rest of the day may bring, maybe even <GASP> a meeting tonight, we will see. anyhow i have miles to go this morning, and the first part of that journey is a run around the neighborhood, it is a great day to be clean and if self-will does not interfere, i will have 5000 days in a row clean when i wake up tomorrow. how is that for judgement day?
how does finding myself enjoying activities that i never thought i would really fit with coming bout of the isolation of active addiction?
with that dissonance in mind, perhaps, i can tie it all together without stretching the bounds of credulity here. i never have been the most social guy on the block. something in my make-up, whether it is genetic, cultural or mental illness, has always kept me from having a great desire to socialize. the shrink treatment made me see, way back when, diagnosed me with panic disorder, and of course that could explain it. although, theses days with four thousand nine hundred and ninety-nine days in a row clean, i have reason to doubt that diagnosis. be that as it may, the fact was, i was not a social creature before i started using and activities that required social interaction were low on my list to do. look at the team sports i was part of, track and field, cross-country, and soccer rather than football, basketball or softball. sports where individual effort is empathized over team effort and where it was me against all comers. anyhow, when addiction became part of my life, withdrawing from social situations became normal for me. at first, using allowed me to desire social interaction and i became quite the party goer, back in the day. as addiction progressed. my social life became more and more limited, until it was only those last ones standing, that i wanted to hang with. i did look at the activities of the other 85% as boring and “uncool” as the judgement machine kicked in and really got rolling. in the end i was bored, but high, alone but far from lonely and had accepted that i would be alone and high until the day i died., and i saw nothing wrong with that at all.
well, i am still not a social butterfly and have yet to find bowling cool, BUT, i am becoming more connected to the world and the billions of humans that are inhabiting it today. technology provides part of that connection. the fellowship is where i have learned what few social graces i have acquired, as that has been a safe place for me to try out the social skills i lacked the desire to acquire, way back in the days before i first got high. so in a way, the activities i choose are a reflection on my re-entry into the social world and coming out of the social isolation that addiction allowed, nay required.
it really was not that much of a stretch to bridge those concepts, and yes this morning i am going to go participate in my solitary sport, before i head to the man cave to work. who knows what the rest of the day may bring, maybe even <GASP> a meeting tonight, we will see. anyhow i have miles to go this morning, and the first part of that journey is a run around the neighborhood, it is a great day to be clean and if self-will does not interfere, i will have 5000 days in a row clean when i wake up tomorrow. how is that for judgement day?
∞ DT ∞