Blog entry for:

at self-deception and rationalization. honesty is way more than just telling the truth to others? man of man, if i had realized that when i started this gig, i might have sought a different way. or that is how silly argument may run in my head, when i allow things like that to occur. honestly, and yea i see the irony in using that word right here and right now, the problem when i came to recovery was that i was such an expert at self-deception, that i actually believed my own sh!t. i had lost the ability to know what was true and what was false, when it came to what was going on inside of me. i believed that as a human being, i NEEDED at least one juicy rationalization a day to survive, and once that decision was made there was no need to stop. just like drug use, one was too many and a thousand never enough.
when i came to recovery, i was happy enough to stop telling lies to others, as i was not really all that good at it, but i was clueless about how i lied to myself. that behavior, and notice i did not say that old behavior, was so deeply ingrained in me, it was so automatic, that it operated under my radar. in fact it took almost a year for me to have even the first clue about the level of self-dishonesty i was really practicing. that year was a tough one, but after completing the steps and going to a convention, there was a need that woke in me, and the course of my recovery was permanently altered, and from this vantage point, for the better.
oh i did not get any sort of self-honesty at first, but i had the nagging feeling that something was missing, something so basic and fundamental that i would not be able to go forward until i figured it out. so for the next six or seven months i sponsored myself on a journey of discovery for that something. i never did get what i was looking, instead what i got was a new sponsor and a second trip through the steps, using what was then a brand new piece of fellowship approved literature. the result of that second first step, was an eye-popping realization about how much denial i was really in, and about how many lies i told myself on a daily basis. so when this reading came along in that process, i was more than likely floored with the realization that it really was not about being honest with others.
where does that leave me today? well for one, i can see the lies i tell myself today, even though their number has been reduced, their scale has not been. when i discover that i am or have been telling lies to myself, i have a tenth and eleventh step process to see what it is i am protecting through my dishonesty. finally i have the tools at my disposal to let go of it and move on with my life. i can learn to be honest today, as brutally honest with myself as i am with others. all i have to do, is be present for what is going on, inside of me, and allowing the recovery process to work. so it is off to walk the dawg and see what we can see. it is a good day to be honest with myself and others.

∞ DT ∞