Blog entry for:

has always been part of me, although it was overwhelmed by the roar of the lie i mistook for the TRUTH. in my time on the other side of exposing what was never true, i am coming to grips with what my past really looked like and seemingly why i behaved as i did. do not get me wrong, i used because i am an addict and i really, really, really liked to get high, even in those rare times when it did not seem to remove the emotional aches and pains of being me. it6 would be nice to say that all the remnants of that banshee have been removed, however that would not be very honest. what i can truthfully and honestly say is that just for today i am excited to see who i am and figure out where i might be going.
as i finally slip into a skin that is a whole lot more comfortable than the one i have been wearing for so many years, i am amazed by the person i am beginning to see. i know my sponse has told me more than once that he did not see me as i saw myself. in fact he saw me as the type of person that i sought to avoid when i was using and in early recovery. i always felt that i could be kind and caring, but to do so would show weakness. i always knew i was discerning about those i met, and letting them know the honest brutal truth of what i observed was a tool to make myself powerful at their expense. everything i did was all about gaining or retaining my personal power and when i was a loser in those transactions, then all out vengeance was mine and i was quite good at fVcking someone over, from behind the scenes. today i accept what little power i have from the POWER that fuels my recovery, do my best to live a program of active recovery and listen to the quiet voice of truth that is within. that voice has saved my bacon more than once when i was running and gunning and i part of my guide on how to live just for today.

∞ DT ∞