∫ all i have to do ∫
Posted: Sun, Jun 21, 2015 11:05:41 AM
is stop lying! less is more i guess, these days for me, as my seed seem to be getting much less verbose with each passing day. who knows this may be a phase or a trend, does it really matter? even enough for me to spend my first fifty words musing about it? what does matter, is that this little diversion into what i am thinking, even when it diverts me from where i thought i might be going, which was a treatise on my cash register honesty, when the reading was clearly about so much more than that.
there certainly was a time, when all i had was cash register honesty, and was proud to crow about how that applied in my life in those days. i am still honest when it comes to the cash register type of behavior, but it just seems do natural that i hardly ever think about it any more, i just do it. as i was never a very good bald-faced liar, editing the truth to get others was the manner that i manipulated reality and could bald-face lie, without telling a single untruth. that is a skill i still possess, but alas, that too is not part of my daily repertoire of behaviors and for that i am grateful.
so dismissing the obvious, i am only left with the level of honesty that i heard being echoed as i sat down to quiet my mind and work my ELEVENTH STEP this morning, and that level of honesty has been thrown back at me from my friend and once upon a time sponsee. what i see in him, that is part of me, is my ability to bald-face lie to myself about nothing and everything that is my life. i can spin, rationalize, justify away all sorts of nonsense, but in the end what it comes down to is, that i FEEL entitled to this or that,m and am quite justified in claiming what i believe i am owed, regardless of who i have to strep on to get it.
some days i am better than others when it comes to living in self-obsession and what the fVck YOU can do for me, and others, well i am grateful i have a TENTH STEP to correct those days.in fact, what keeps coming back to me, is that somehow the fact that my friend cannot stay clean, is a reflection on my pride, my program and as he put it: “my theories.” he likes to dismiss all that he need with the magic wave of those jazz hands and think that the anger i feel is due to the act of using and not how he treated me when was using. i get that as well, i like to dismiss all the crap i do. all the less than spiritual thoughts i may have. all the times i acted out, with similar sort of a magic wand: &what did you expect, i am after all, just another addict!”
which brings me, sort of haphazardly, to my point. yes i am an addict, BUT i am an addict who is an active part of his recovery from active addiction. i no longer can comfortably live in my skin, acting in a manner that i find morally repugnant, as i am quite certain who i am, and what my values are these days. i hear from what my peers share and i feel it at least twice a day, when i sit down and sort out what is going on inside of me. the level of honesty that i require, goes far deeper to my core today. not only do i have to act honestly, i also have to think honestly and own the sh!t that i do, on a daily basis. as heinous and onerous as it sounds, as i practice living in that manner, it becomes closer to being natural, just like cash register honesty. some day? well someday i will do it it less, as i sincerely doubt that i will have all of that removed, and if that day comes, well i will be walking out on water, because i will have certainly transcended my human nature and had become something far more.
today, i am something far better than just another addict,m i am just another addict doing my best to actively live a program of recovery.
there certainly was a time, when all i had was cash register honesty, and was proud to crow about how that applied in my life in those days. i am still honest when it comes to the cash register type of behavior, but it just seems do natural that i hardly ever think about it any more, i just do it. as i was never a very good bald-faced liar, editing the truth to get others was the manner that i manipulated reality and could bald-face lie, without telling a single untruth. that is a skill i still possess, but alas, that too is not part of my daily repertoire of behaviors and for that i am grateful.
so dismissing the obvious, i am only left with the level of honesty that i heard being echoed as i sat down to quiet my mind and work my ELEVENTH STEP this morning, and that level of honesty has been thrown back at me from my friend and once upon a time sponsee. what i see in him, that is part of me, is my ability to bald-face lie to myself about nothing and everything that is my life. i can spin, rationalize, justify away all sorts of nonsense, but in the end what it comes down to is, that i FEEL entitled to this or that,m and am quite justified in claiming what i believe i am owed, regardless of who i have to strep on to get it.
some days i am better than others when it comes to living in self-obsession and what the fVck YOU can do for me, and others, well i am grateful i have a TENTH STEP to correct those days.in fact, what keeps coming back to me, is that somehow the fact that my friend cannot stay clean, is a reflection on my pride, my program and as he put it: “my theories.” he likes to dismiss all that he need with the magic wave of those jazz hands and think that the anger i feel is due to the act of using and not how he treated me when was using. i get that as well, i like to dismiss all the crap i do. all the less than spiritual thoughts i may have. all the times i acted out, with similar sort of a magic wand: &what did you expect, i am after all, just another addict!”
which brings me, sort of haphazardly, to my point. yes i am an addict, BUT i am an addict who is an active part of his recovery from active addiction. i no longer can comfortably live in my skin, acting in a manner that i find morally repugnant, as i am quite certain who i am, and what my values are these days. i hear from what my peers share and i feel it at least twice a day, when i sit down and sort out what is going on inside of me. the level of honesty that i require, goes far deeper to my core today. not only do i have to act honestly, i also have to think honestly and own the sh!t that i do, on a daily basis. as heinous and onerous as it sounds, as i practice living in that manner, it becomes closer to being natural, just like cash register honesty. some day? well someday i will do it it less, as i sincerely doubt that i will have all of that removed, and if that day comes, well i will be walking out on water, because i will have certainly transcended my human nature and had become something far more.
today, i am something far better than just another addict,m i am just another addict doing my best to actively live a program of recovery.
∞ DT ∞