Blog entry for:

...a simple, loving hug can make all the difference in the world.
so i sit here on the 13th anniversary of the last day i used, and for once i do not feel ripped off by the JFT reading. i know i have gone into my drama and angst over my clean date in the past, so today, i will not waste my time rehashing that old crap, especially when it seems so shallow and without any merit this morning. in fact, i feel as if all of that was just a smoke screen i throw up on a annual basis just to minimize the size of this accomplishment.
BUT before i go there, i do believe that i will go here

4 years clean
Leonard H
Thank you for being part of my recovery,
ONE DAY AT A TIME.

okay, back to the where i was. what i was starting to get the notion in my head about is a theme that has been evident in my life lately, and one i started to write about yesterday. how exactly do i acknowledge stuff like this addict getting years clean and remain humble at the same time?
i know the examples i have been given by those who have walked this path before me, namely downplay and take no credit for the work they do to stay clean day after day. i have practiced and practiced that peculiar manner of demonstrating humility and it never fit very well, but it seemed like the right thing to do, just because that was what everyone else did. now i have a smile on my face because i remember Mom saying to me more than once, “well, Don if everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you have to do so too?”
i always hated when she said that, but this morning i get it, i am no longer sick enough to have to follow the pack, just because they are the pack. do not get me wrong, most of what i have been taught and am still being taught about recovery, the recovery process and the fellowship is not only valid but is also pertinent to me staying clean another day. it is quite true, that I CANNOT STAY CLEAN BY MY OWN HAND! I NEED A POWER GREATER THAN MYSELF to get another day clean. i know that POWER will work whether or not i acknowledge IT, out loud. i am also coming to see, that it is my, myself and i that blocks that POWER from working and when i get out of the way miraculous stuff happens. I DO HOWEVER, play a vital role in my recovery and the recovery process in general. it is as a sponsee noted the other day a three fold world for me. i can be in active addiction, a state of untreated addiction or i can be in active recovery. those three states are a choice that i can make any given day. choosing active recovery on more days than not, has got to me this particular milestone and not choosing active addiction has covered my a$$ to allow a HIGHER POWER to fill me with enough grace to survive those days when untreated addiction was good enough for me. so i do share a responsibility for 4747 days clean, and this morning i am gratefully owning that role.
how does any of that lead back to the power of a hug? over the course of those days in a row, i GOT what i needed through those people who are a part of my life. i return that power through the simple act of physical contact and empathy that a real hug is. that power is a reflection of the POWER that keeps me clean. spreading that POWER through physical contact is one of the most difficult things i have ever learned to do, and when i hug someone, i do because i truly want to express so0mething from within, not just because i am expected to do so. when i do not hug someone, it is because i am no longer bound by the social constraint of everyone else is doing it. in fact as i progress further and further up the hill of my recovery, looking good is becoming less important than being well and being well is what i am working towards by fostering a state of learning rather than knowing.
so yes it is a good day to be clean, and yes just for today i choose not to use. and yes it is a POWER GREATER THAN MYSELF, that will give me the means to do so. it is me who decides to partake of those gifts and live another day in the light of active recovery, and just for today, i do believe that is where i will go! off to the showers and into this beautiful day, that just happens to be the anniversary of the day i chose to leave the llife of active addiction behind.

∞ DT ∞