๐ surrendering to ๐ณ
Posted: Sun, Sep 10, 2023 12:49:25 PM
a new way of life for the sum total of twenty-six years. well, in all honesty, it may be true that i have XXVI years clean, but i really did not start my recovery until i had just over eighteen months clean. i am grateful that i can count that period of mere abstinence as part of my recovery journey, and when one takes a hard look at that period of my life, perhaps that is not a bad way to look at it. after all, i was clean, i was engaged with two fellowships and i was on my best behavior. i see that as my on ramp to recovery and i guess i was one of those who goes slowly up the ramp, for whatever reasons, until they can sneak into traffic. in my case it was abject fear and total denial about who and what i was, that kept me out of the fast lane to recovery. i do not regert anything about my early recovery, as i see it certainly was a foreshadowing of things to come:
today, finally got my wish, a “cooler” reading for my clean date. who knew that a new piece of literature would provide me what i have desired for years on end. not that i am all that thrilled to be writing about surrender once again, but i see this surrender as one that i am quite grateful for, these days. i have an amazing life and i have friends and peers who have my back, if something goes sideways fro me. in fact while i was walking the dawg this morning, one them called and i joked that i was going to buy myself a $100 cigar with the money a friend in active addiction that i am being trusted to hold. as funny as it seemed at the time, when i get into the nuts and bolts of why i could come up with that plan, i see that i am not yet cured and inside of me there is still a little boy who demands to get his, after he has been stomped on. today i may celebrate with a very pricey cigar, but it will be out of my own resources and not those of someone who has no power over how their money gets spent. so it is off to finish my laundry and get ready for some cigars and football. oh yeah, THANK YOU TO THE FELLOWSHIP and my peers who have given me the gift of twenty-six years clean!
- 15 years to find a concept a HIGHER POWER
- 5 years to feel good about giving up my identity as the service guy
- 24 years to come to a place where i could face the lie i created
- and 26 years to finally come to terms with what i want from my recovery.
Chris M
CONGRATS on XIV (14) years of JFT
today, finally got my wish, a “cooler” reading for my clean date. who knew that a new piece of literature would provide me what i have desired for years on end. not that i am all that thrilled to be writing about surrender once again, but i see this surrender as one that i am quite grateful for, these days. i have an amazing life and i have friends and peers who have my back, if something goes sideways fro me. in fact while i was walking the dawg this morning, one them called and i joked that i was going to buy myself a $100 cigar with the money a friend in active addiction that i am being trusted to hold. as funny as it seemed at the time, when i get into the nuts and bolts of why i could come up with that plan, i see that i am not yet cured and inside of me there is still a little boy who demands to get his, after he has been stomped on. today i may celebrate with a very pricey cigar, but it will be out of my own resources and not those of someone who has no power over how their money gets spent. so it is off to finish my laundry and get ready for some cigars and football. oh yeah, THANK YOU TO THE FELLOWSHIP and my peers who have given me the gift of twenty-six years clean!
∞ DT ∞