Blog entry for:

is how i often feel especially when i am trying to help a friend, peer, family member or acquaintance to deal with the pain of life on its own terms. learning how to be compassionate and empathetic, at least for me, is still an on-going process, as i seemed to skip those classes when i was growing up. as i grow in my recovery, i GET to learn all that stuff i did not have time for, when i was physically maturing, and to tell the honest truth, at least for me, it sucks learning to be an adult at 61 years of age. before i get further off topic and go out on that tangent, a shout out to two of my peers, with whom i share a clean date

Leonard H (12 years) &
Chris M (9 years),
Congrats on another trip around the sun, CLEAN!
Thank you for sharing you Experience, Strength and Hope with me.

back to the topic at hand. as i have been looking for and seeing the insanity in my life, of late, i stumble across the same theme, time and again: the stories i have told myself for time immemorial. one of those stories, is that i am not nor ever will be fit human company for anyone. among the shred of evidence i use to reinforce that lie, is my lack of “knowing how to 'fix' someone who is hurting.” even with seven thousand, six hundred and seventy days clean, i still instinctively jump to attempting a solution, rather than being comforting and supportive. sure, i can blame my gender, my culture and my socialization for that reaction, but the truth is more than likely that looking for a fix, is less uncomfortable than being present and offering a hug and a loving word or three. taking action feels better than standing still, at least in the way i am currently wired, and as i grow up, i am learning how to be still, instead of springing into action.
knowledge, is not wisdom and seeking to change my story is not the same as living in the here and now. the fact of the matter is that when i got clean, my sponsor gave a choice, i could pick the last day i used or the first day i was clean. in those days, one day made quite a difference, and i wanted to look better than i was, so i chose the last day i used. over the course of the years clean, i have considered, time and again, of moving my clean date anniversary, as one day does not matter all that much, at least when it is stacked up again the number of days i have doing this gig, just for today. today, i have made the decision to consider this question no more. the fact that i NEEDED to have that extra day, way back when, is part of my Experience, Strength and Hope. here is the addict that no one believed was going to stay clean until noon, worrying about what others may think, because i “stole” one day clean, way back when. i means, seriously, who the FVCK do i think i am?
the fact of the matter is, one of the stories i have told myself for years on end, is that i NEEDED to look better than i am, and the choice of m y clean date, is just one moire example of who i want to grow out of being. once upon a time i saw no way out of having to appear to be what i was not, today after a several thousand (minus one) days clean, i am seeing the light of being relieved of this peculiar form of insanity, just for today.

∞ DT ∞