โข recovery has given me freedom โข
Posted: Fri, Aug 31, 2012 08:27:21 AM
i will greet the day with hope, grateful that anything is possible today. for a big change from yesterday, i actually can be sincere and write about this, as i certainly feel it this morning.
yesterday started out crappy and took that for a mode for that day, and by the end of the day, i was certainly ready for it to be over. good thing, i know when i get into those little ugly places, that it is better for em to isolate a bit, and focus my attention on world domination, through a silly PC game.
this morning, since i feel better, the day looks brighter, even though the sun is rising red through a hazy, foggy bottom sort of morning. since i have yet to step out of the door, i am hoping it is fog and not smoke, as the case has been all summer here. either way, there is a run in my future very quickly this morning and work on my project to finish up and some errands to run, bills to pay, maybe some sushi and you know what maybe i will finish my world domination that i started over 600 turns ago.
what is different today. not a damn thing, and that is the irony. i have still have yet to start formal work on STEP SIX. i still have not found a secure full-time gig. i still have yet to finish my project. i still have the same pile of bills i had yesterday, BUT i stopped and took a second longer this morning, listening with my heart for what the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery, might happen to be for me today. what i felt, was that i can be grateful for being free from the judicial system, free from active addiction, free from major medical issues and on this side of the dirt today. for a change i saw what was good in my life and myself, instead of what needs to be fixed, and trust me there is lots of stuff left to fix. i am broken, but not unrepairable and certainly not ready for the scrap heap. i know that there is the whole school of thought that if i say i am broken, i am actually practicing a form of low self-esteem, and for them maybe it is true, for me, i accept that i am broken, accept i do not know how broken i may be and accept that there is a path to becoming less broken with just a little bit of effort on my part.
each step i live, each day i stay clean, each day i decide to be the best person i can be, is part of that journey to being less broken. yes i make the effort and yes i see the results and yet sometimes i feel so helpless and hopeless, because i cannot see the rewards for all the work i have and continue to do, to keep my recovery alive. i want, and i want it now,. everything and so much more, and i forget that it part of me that i call addiction, that is never satisfies with what i have, which when i do a quick inventory, is quite a pile of great stuff. more toys, yeah i could use a few. a new car, of course. the list of material rewards could go on and on, what i hear this morning is that they really do not amount to anything of any long term value, and the rewards i am grateful for, are those that cannot be measured with dollar signs and appraisals. and i get them, in spades, day after day, so this day, right here and right now, i CAN feel grateful for what i have been given, what i have had taken away and where i am going today. which happen s to be a quick trip around the burbs. it is a grate day to be on this side of the dirt, all susie sunshiney and stuff, and even a better day to be clean.
yesterday started out crappy and took that for a mode for that day, and by the end of the day, i was certainly ready for it to be over. good thing, i know when i get into those little ugly places, that it is better for em to isolate a bit, and focus my attention on world domination, through a silly PC game.
this morning, since i feel better, the day looks brighter, even though the sun is rising red through a hazy, foggy bottom sort of morning. since i have yet to step out of the door, i am hoping it is fog and not smoke, as the case has been all summer here. either way, there is a run in my future very quickly this morning and work on my project to finish up and some errands to run, bills to pay, maybe some sushi and you know what maybe i will finish my world domination that i started over 600 turns ago.
what is different today. not a damn thing, and that is the irony. i have still have yet to start formal work on STEP SIX. i still have not found a secure full-time gig. i still have yet to finish my project. i still have the same pile of bills i had yesterday, BUT i stopped and took a second longer this morning, listening with my heart for what the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery, might happen to be for me today. what i felt, was that i can be grateful for being free from the judicial system, free from active addiction, free from major medical issues and on this side of the dirt today. for a change i saw what was good in my life and myself, instead of what needs to be fixed, and trust me there is lots of stuff left to fix. i am broken, but not unrepairable and certainly not ready for the scrap heap. i know that there is the whole school of thought that if i say i am broken, i am actually practicing a form of low self-esteem, and for them maybe it is true, for me, i accept that i am broken, accept i do not know how broken i may be and accept that there is a path to becoming less broken with just a little bit of effort on my part.
each step i live, each day i stay clean, each day i decide to be the best person i can be, is part of that journey to being less broken. yes i make the effort and yes i see the results and yet sometimes i feel so helpless and hopeless, because i cannot see the rewards for all the work i have and continue to do, to keep my recovery alive. i want, and i want it now,. everything and so much more, and i forget that it part of me that i call addiction, that is never satisfies with what i have, which when i do a quick inventory, is quite a pile of great stuff. more toys, yeah i could use a few. a new car, of course. the list of material rewards could go on and on, what i hear this morning is that they really do not amount to anything of any long term value, and the rewards i am grateful for, are those that cannot be measured with dollar signs and appraisals. and i get them, in spades, day after day, so this day, right here and right now, i CAN feel grateful for what i have been given, what i have had taken away and where i am going today. which happen s to be a quick trip around the burbs. it is a grate day to be on this side of the dirt, all susie sunshiney and stuff, and even a better day to be clean.
∞ DT ∞