Some memes

be willing to be uncomfortable if i do not want to stay stuck. after a few days of stewing in the fact that i am very condescending of anyone or anything i do not approve of, i am already willing to move on. unfortunately that means i have to finish my FOURTH STEP and FIFTH STEP it with my sponsor. the discomfort i feel living in this particular character defect is certainly a motivator for completing my writing and has got me thinking about how i got this way. thinking back to forever, i seemed to always have been condescending and judgemental. i cannot find a single memory where i believed someone or something, was doing the best they could with what they had. the customer in the shop who complains about the George Soros, the high cost of cigars, not getting his due at the annual cigar event and his bad health is the same person that orders takeout delivery every day, is obese and is in less that stellar health. he is a victim of his own choices and the reason i can see that is that is the manner within which i comfortably lived. almost everything that was wrong with my life was a consequence of choices i made, even though i could play the victim and find someone or something else to blame for my suffering. i know deep down, i saw myself as weak and feeble hence deserving of my condescension. as someone who loved to spread the pain around, i took that action and found sources to be condescending about all around me. when i judge someone to be weak, the condescension flies. in my not so humble pinion, anyone who chooses to be a victim of their choices, deserves any of the condescension i may pile upon them. far from any sort of spiritual principle i know and as i consider what the opposite of that may be. just have to live with my bad self.
this morning the choice i made to step out of my generally acceptable source material and to choose a rando passage from another, was one that i judge to be a healthy choice. fidelity to the message of recovery is certainly a good topic. i could have filled this space with bon mots, clichés and bumper stickers. choosing to seek a topic that would actually create an emotional reaction is a consequence i find acceptable. yes, even here in my less than dogmatic and certainly irreverent ways, i carry the message that an addict, any addict can stop using and stay clean. i may be a creature of habit and readily admit to being more than a bit obsessive about my daily recovery routine. i smear over that realization with the trope: “if it is working, why change it”? it is a fact that even though i concede to my innermost self that i am an addict to start my day, there is a huge part of me that wants to be something more than an addict in recovery. there are days when i feel like i am “settling.” perhaps am and this is as good as it is going to get. if i allow myself to drift into accepting that as fact, i become as weak as though i fill my days condescending, in my own eyes. i may not get more, even if i religiously apply my daily routine of living a program, but if i want to have the chance to be more, i need to do more, rather than sit of my flat ass complaining about what is not in my life. my choice today, is to write a bit more on my STEP FOUR starting with condescension and see what i can get done.

∞ DT ∞